Crunchy Blue Commando
As a species, we are generally predisposed to categorization. Whether it's the result of latent tribal instincts or the human brain's method for processing vast amounts of information, we like things neatly stacked in our minds.
We do this with animals, vegetables and minerals, but mostly we do it with people. You go here. She goes there. Him, he goes way the hell over there with the other assholes.
I don't think the intent here is necessarily bad - after all, who's got time to get to know everyone they come across as the unique and interesting individual that they assuredly think they are- but it often ends up making us seem insensitive, obtuse or even racist. Ironically, as a result, most people generally shy away from these types of discussions to avoid being unfavorably categorized themselves.
I think this is why we enjoy the parlor game version of population categorization. These things come up all the time: Boxers vs. Briefs (42% vs. 36%, the rest, I guess, choosing to "Go Commando"); Creamy vs. Crunchy (60% vs. 40% with regional variations); Red State vs. Blue State.
What got me thinking about this was a discussion the Nerdy Squirrel and I had regarding our taxes. She likes getting a refund, while I like it when the government doesn't hold my money then decide to give back to me at some later, unspecified date if I behave properly. Fuck you. You want my money, come and get it. I don't need a federal, non-interest-bearing Christmas Club account.
- Sorry, I didn't mean to go all Waco and shit, but I just wrote a big fat check to the IRS and the wound hasn't quite healed yet. (Mommy, Uncle Sam touched me in a bad place!) -
Anyway, I think a new version of this game should be Tax Refund vs. Lower Tax (Nerdy Squirrel, budding lawyer that she is, adamantly argues that it should actually be called Lower Tax Withheld. Technically, she says, we're all paying the same tax. She is, of course, right. But this is, of course, just a fucking game. Save the Johnny Cochran routine for my DUI defense.) This, to me, leads to a far more interesting discussion of what kind of person you are. Here are the general assumptions based on the people I know:
Tax Refund
Tend to be spontaneous and creative
Knows the name of the neighbor's dog
Gives themselves presents (and occasionally wraps them - admit it!)
Eats string cheese
Has a balance on at least one credit card
Watches "Gray's Anatomy"
Lower Tax
Tends to be linear and analytical
Knows the current interest rates
Has cursing issues
Eats fiber bars
Watches "South Park"
Buys lottery tickets (I know the chances are one in a million, but so is getting struck by lightening. If I have to take the bad chance, why not take the good one as well?)
Let's take a poll and tell me which one you are. Of course this won't be scientific and, considering the brief commenting history of this site, the results will probably come out 1 to 1 (assuming I vote). At least for those of you who vote, I'll know whether to put you here or way the hell over there with the other assholes.
Comments
Wow, you got me pegged!
I'm a Tax Refund type that knows the name of the neighbor's cat, is trying to get into string cheese and watches GREY'S Anatomy every week (well, it's on TiVo).
My main reason for preferring a refund is because I know having that extra money in my possession is not the most fiscally responsible arrangement. I'm not HORRIBLE with my money but I'm not great with it either. ;)
Posted by: nicole | April 23, 2006 05:49 PM
One last question: how come my comments never actually appear under the original post? Is this some kind of complex code conundrum that I won't understand?
Posted by: nicole | April 23, 2006 05:49 PM
NICOLE: For some reason, the comments never appear under the original post. I'm sure it's due to user error. I'll try to figure it out once my electro-shock threapy treatments are over.
Posted by: ilikemonkeys | April 23, 2006 07:43 PM
You've already outed me, so I feel it would be unfair to vote. I did want to share my theory, though, that the Tax Refund group will be composed primarily of women, while the Lower Tax Withheld will be men. (And speaking of the latter category, shouldn't a self-described linear, analytical thinker value accuracy? :)
Posted by: Nerdy Squirrel | April 23, 2006 07:45 PM
NERDY: Just so you know, while you're busy making smart remarks, I'm eating the last of the cherry pie. :P
Posted by: ilikemonkeys | April 23, 2006 07:48 PM
Lower tax, please. Seeing a refund check in my mailbox pisses me off.
"Yay! I got my own money back! I'm so eternally grateful for this GIFT!"
Blech.
Posted by: buckkel | April 24, 2006 07:48 AM
I am torn between the two, and I have charactoristics of both as well.
So I think you've got it pegged, actually.
Posted by: Vickie Anne | April 24, 2006 06:54 PM
KEL: I hear ya. Wanna join my new militia?
VICKIE: You missed your opportunity to be the tie-breaker. Now I guess we have to assemble our legal teams and fight for a re-count.
Posted by: ilikemonkeys | April 24, 2006 09:16 PM