Daily Splatter: "It's A Major Award"
Last week I auditioned to be a contributing author on another site called The Peevery - a very entertaining website about all the little things that drive people crazy. Apparently the folks running The Peevery are not only clever, but they know true, unbridled talent when they see it.
That's right, suckers, I'm a winner. Me. The guy you thought would forever be known as the seventh-grader who got beat up by a girl. I won. I am someone of importance.
By the way, the whole getting-beat-up-by-a-girl thing was complete bullshit and you all know it. I CHOSE not to fight back. I was a new age man before it was hip (and before it then became kind of gay, but that's beside the point).
Anyway, for the next month, I will be a guest author on The Peevery. After that, if things go according to plan, I will be a regular contributor. When that happens, it is my sincerest hope that my incredible success and fantastic new life will bring some joy into your hopeless and pathetic little lives.
You are probably thinking that you will try to ingratiate yourself to me - your only friend who is a celebrity - by sending your congratulations and well wishes. Please do not bother as I am already forgetting your names. I do not have time for the little people (i.e., you) anymore as I am busy snorting cocaine off the flawless asses of supermodels.
By the way, if I should happen to bump into you while I am "slumming it," do not attempt to make eye contact with me. Doing so will only infuriate me and provoke my security detail into beating you to a pulp.
That's right, suckers, I'm a winner. Me. The guy you thought would forever be known as the seventh-grader who got beat up by a girl. I won. I am someone of importance.
By the way, the whole getting-beat-up-by-a-girl thing was complete bullshit and you all know it. I CHOSE not to fight back. I was a new age man before it was hip (and before it then became kind of gay, but that's beside the point).
Anyway, for the next month, I will be a guest author on The Peevery. After that, if things go according to plan, I will be a regular contributor. When that happens, it is my sincerest hope that my incredible success and fantastic new life will bring some joy into your hopeless and pathetic little lives.
You are probably thinking that you will try to ingratiate yourself to me - your only friend who is a celebrity - by sending your congratulations and well wishes. Please do not bother as I am already forgetting your names. I do not have time for the little people (i.e., you) anymore as I am busy snorting cocaine off the flawless asses of supermodels.
By the way, if I should happen to bump into you while I am "slumming it," do not attempt to make eye contact with me. Doing so will only infuriate me and provoke my security detail into beating you to a pulp.
Comments
many heartfelt congratulations from your soon-to-be former friend. i'm so looking forward to being ignored.
Posted by: buckkel | July 14, 2006 07:44 AM
I found you at the Peevery. You are very funny and say things I have thought about but didn't know how to say.
Keep up the good work.
Posted by: jill | July 14, 2006 04:52 PM
I forgot to provide my URL.
Posted by: Jill | July 14, 2006 04:56 PM