Throwing Poo

A friend once told me that men are stupid and women are crazy.  Despite nearly everything else to come out of the mouths of my friends (leave it - it's too easy), I believe this to be both enlightened and absolutely true.  In fact, nothing in my 42 years has truly shaken my belief in the statement.  The sooner everyone acknowledges and accepts that fact, the sooner we can all focus on the important business of fretting about terrorism.

Allow me take a few moments to defend this statement.

While it might seem prudent to begin with the part about men, I'm actually going to do the opposite.  As opposed to women, men reading the above statement will not spontaneously combust in outrage, demand a public apology and form a support group. 
In fact, any man reading this probably just took a wrong turn looking for kinky German porn (you know who you are).  Anyway, I figure I've got about ten minutes before Oprah's Stormtroopers kick in my door and take turns jumping up and down on my balls.   That's why I'll start with women. 

First, it is important to understand that there are various degrees of crazy.  If the Homeland Security Department was in charge of assessing the threat level of crazy chicks, most would be at the Blue or Yellow levels (I briefly dated a few Oranges and slept with a Red once, which was both exhilarating and terrifying).  While I've never actually met a Green (Nerdy Squirrel is Greenish-Blue), like Nessie, I want to believe they exist.

But why?  Forgetting the hack jokes and sweeping generalizations that keep cruise ship comedians in business, I am going to boil this down to a single issue:  Women are crazy because they recognize lunacy and then attempt to mask and inoculate it by calling it a cutesy name.  

For example, if you cannot stop stuffing Hersey's Kisses and Ho-Ho's into your fat face, you're not a compulsive glutton using food as a security blanket.  You're a  "choc-aholic."  See?  Isn't that fun?  Who needs therapy when you can just buy a bumper sticker that says, "Warning: Choc-Aholic On Board."  Tee. Hee. Hee.  

If you are constantly busying yourself with the acquisition of unnecessary crap in order stave off the looming meaninglessness of your life (and the requisite self-reflection), you are not a "shop-aholic."  You are attempting to patch a hole in your floor by pouring water through it.  

Men don't do this.  We aren't afforded cute little names like Lap Dance-Aholics or Texas Hold'Em-Aholics.  We're perverts with gambling problems.  We don't deny our deviant behavior.  We just figure it's fun and fuck you if you don't like it.  That's one reason why men are stupid.  Unfortunately, there's plenty more where that came from.