Throwing Poo

As the risk of making everyone hate me (or simply re-confirming their feelings), I need to complain about not getting my first-class upgrades when I fly.  I know, I know.  Little princess with the heavy flow needs her upgrades.  In my defense, though, I fly every week.  The only benefit of this lifestyle, besides constipation and chronic sinus infections, is that I'm offered free upgrades.  Yet, over the past year I have only been offered upgrades twice and both times I was traveling with my wife.  Being the good and decent husband that I am, I declined both times so that I could sit with her in coach.  Plus, I'm not yet ready for a life of celibacy. 

So it is that I'm sitting here typing this a mere five feet away from first class.  As I watch them getting served complimentary drinks and fancy meals with a smile, the bitchy stewardess in coach is tossing petrified cheeseburgers wrapped in cellophane at people.  To make matters worse, it's a four hour flight and I hit the trifecta of misery - a new born baby in the row behind me, a fat lady in the middle seat next to me (I'm talking seat-belt-extension-needing, spilling-over-onto-me fat) and the old guy in front of me has his seat fully reclined...and the prick isn't even sleeping.

It feels so unjust that I want to stand up and, with the tears streaming down my face, sing out loud:

"What about me!  It isn't fair!  I've had enough and I want my share!  Can't you see, I wanna live, but you just take more than you give!"

I think I'm turning into a gay guy who is exclusively hetero-curious.

P.S. I'd like to point out that despite this wretched situation, I didn't write "fuck" once during this post.  I think this proves that I'm making progress, you judgmental cunts, you.