Throwing Poo

Despite a growing history of missing the mark, Nerdy Squirrel, Esq. continues to email me an excessive number of news articles that she thinks will make for interesting posts.  Usually I give them a cursory glance before hitting the delete button.  That way, when she asks, I can say that I read it. Yesterday, though, she finally got it right. (Christ, I can actually hear the floodgates crashing open.)

Apparently a biotech company has created a hypoallergenic cat.  These felines, which sell for $4,000 each, do not secrete the protein that causes the allergic reaction in most people.  The idea is that people - apparently a well-hidden yet clamoring mass of them - who 1) must have a pet cat, 2) are highly allergic to cats, and 3) are shut-ins (we must assume), can finally get a kitty of their very own.  I had a similar idea several years ago - it was called "buy a little dog and heavily sedate the fucker."  Mine sold for only $2,999 each, most of which went for Quaaludes.

While I'd like to believe that this scientific development would somehow make the world a better place, I'm afraid that Kitty 2.0 is a harbinger of doom.  This feels like invasive, cavalier research in pursuit of extremely marginal benefits.  The kind that always ends in tears.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not against meddling with Mother Nature to improve the quality of human life.  I just think we ought to set the bar a little higher in terms of the payoff, like with breast implants or string cheese.  So here are some animal improvements that I believe are worth the risk of accidentally creating a vengeful, bloodthirsty and un-housebroken race of living dead pets.

Dogs: Cross them with kangaroos to create a built-in ass-pouch for catching their poop.  Think of all the little plastic bags we'll save.  Let's give them thumbs, too.  Just to see what happens.

Cats:  These pets are already very clean animals. Increase the size of their tongues and build in some sort of craving for linoleum.  Oh, and no more fucking hairballs.  That shit is nasty.

Parrots:  Increase the size of their talons and teach them how to attack on command.  Break into my house and you might escape my dog, but my flying velociraptor is going to fuck you up.  Might as well give them the ability to take digital photos while we're at it.

Hamsters: Genetically enhance their leg muscles, hook those squeaky wheels up to some generators and posthumously award the Nobel Prize for Science to The Little Rascals.  Plus, we might as well de-claw them while we're at it.  What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Turtles: The Osama Bin Ladens of the pet universe, they spend their lives living in caves and occasionally sticking their heads out to try to bite someone.  For some reason, evolution decided to pass on this entirely worthless species.  Let's do Darwin's job for him.  Fuck turtles.

Goldfish:  Implant genes that will allow them to secrete scrubbing bubbles.  Then, when they die a week later, your toilet gets cleaned.