Frivolist: Employment Ads I'd Like To Read
Wanted: Cake Hole Shutter
Burly self-starter needed to make people shut the fuck up during regularly scheduled movie showings. Proficient with burying nightsticks in bodily orafices. Sharp-shooting skills a must. Min. 2-3 years experience enforcing zero-tolerance policies. LAPD experience a definite plus. Salary plus tips.
Send resume and/or rap sheet to AMC, Regal and Cinemark Cinemas.
Wanted: An Honest Man
Independent-minded individual needed to represent people. Min. 10+ years experience at being a decent human being. Common sense and ability to turn down contributions-for-access a must. Child-diddlers need not apply.
Send resume to: U.S. House of Representatives
Wanted: Quality Control Inspector - Porn and Pie Industries
Unskilled individual needed to review adult movies and taste home-baked pies for quality assurance. Must be 42 years old and live in Cleveland, Ohio. Experience writing a crappy blog required. Ass pimples a definite plus. Salary in the high six figures.
Send resume to: Quit Daydreaming, Inc.
Wanted: Vice President
Needed to manage a highly-capable and witty employee in Cleveland regional office as well as others. Ability to make decisions and motivate staff required. Experienced in not being a completely useless bag of shit. Rudimentary personal hygiene skills a plus. Minimum I.Q. of 65.
Send resume to (my current employer)
Comments
Damnit! I'm totally the guy for the quality control inspector, but I'm not 42. And I don't live in Cleveland. And I don't have the ass pimples.
Posted by: anoymouscoworker | October 13, 2006 10:05 AM
If you find #3, let me know. Two things after my own heart...
Posted by: NuggetMaven | October 13, 2006 10:15 AM
ACW: You're unqualified.
NM: I got here first.
Posted by: Crunchy BC | October 13, 2006 11:14 AM
While I would love to apply for job number 3 I'll respect that being only 37 I am probably not as knowledgeable in quality assurance as needed but will gladly accept position 1. Though not big and burly or having a rap sheet I have been spending years devising ways to destroy people I dislike. I would enjoy nothing more than standing up on a seat and releasing the old steel toe DM on the back of a head or two.
Posted by: DaMonkeyCode | October 13, 2006 11:16 AM
Hmmm, okay... okay. If in your travels you amble across a "help wanted" ad for an R&D Assistant in a dildo/vibrator factory, keep me in mind:)
Posted by: NuggetMaven | October 14, 2006 05:17 PM
Hee.
Posted by: Robin | October 16, 2006 11:40 AM