Throwing Poo

Like many of you, last night I stayed up way too late drinking beer, watching the election results and rooting for my team.  Despite this patriotic effort, I awoke this morning to find that while the House was decided, the Senate was still up in the air and might be that way for weeks to come. 

This is intolerable.  As an American, I have the God-given right to immediate gratification.  I want results and I want them now...and some tax-breaks, a box of Ho-Ho's and any other free shit you might have lying around. 

Therefore, I would like to propose adding Sudden Death to the electoral process.  For any race not clearly determined within 24 hours of the polls closing, candidates are shoved into the Thunderdome and forced to battle with dirty syringes and rusty razor blades.   

Imagine Nancy Pelosi with wild eyes and blood-matted hair (OK, just imagine the hair being redder) circling a sweaty, shirtless Dennis Hastert* while tossing a blade from hand to hand.

NP:  (in a creepy, sing-song voice) "Here, piggy, piggy, piggy.  Here, little pig." 

DH:  (breathless and waving a mace in the air) "Bring it, whore! I'm gonna gay-marry your skull to the pointed end of this fucking bat!"

NP:  (soft and creepy) "Oh, you're a feisty little pig, aren't you?" (licks the blood off her razor blade) "How about another tax-cut, piggy?  Time to get that trickle-down flowing."

DH:  "Just another Cut and Run liberal." (Cocks his bat) "Come on, bitch!  I've got a tree for you to hug!"

Unlike Sudden Death in sports, the political version should actually result in the death of at least one of the candidates. 

Preferably both.   

*Nancy Pelosi is not from the same congressional district as Dennis Hastert.   

P.S. For a great read on post-Election Day, check out Anonymous Coworker.