Throwing Poo

First, let's clarify a few points for the non-travelers out there. If you are a car rental business located at an airport, 99% of the people renting your cars will be from out of town.  They will likely be unfamiliar with the area of God's ass crack known as Grand Rapids (apparently named for the day God ate some bad shellfish).   As such, directions like "Turn left where the old Dynamics building use to be," mean abso-fucking-lutely nothing, you stupid, shit-kicking hayseeds.

Also, when your rental business is located at the airport, chances are nearly every person returning a car will have a plane to catch.  In other words, we're in a big goddamn hurry.   We've got shoe-bombs to activate, anthrax to sprinkle, small pox to hack.  Your job should be to get us in and out of your business as quickly as possible so we don't miss our flights (and, ultimately, our hot date with 70 virgins).  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants to spend any more time in Grand Ass-Crack (GAC) than is absolutely necessary.

Moving on.  Budget advertises its GAC site as being on-site at the airport.  Actually it is off-site.  What this means is that when renters return to the airport and follow the signs for "Rental Car Return," they will not find Budget.  In Grand Rapids, what they will find is an old, toothless man who waves diagonally across the parking lot and says, "It's over that way."  He is extremely helpful and will hopefully die from exposure in the very near future.

Second, when your falsely advertised business is off-site, you shouldn't distribute "Budget Courtesy Maps" for the area that list the wrong address and phone number for your location.  Let me explain this to you like you're an idiot...because you are:  An address and a map are used by business travelers to find specific locations, be that an adult bookstore, an Indian casino with midget dealers or a moronic rental car company.

Third (and we really don't even need a third at this point, do we?), given the above, if your location is hidden from the main road by a large, industrial building, you may want to post a sign on the main road indicating your existence.  Something along the lines of "Budget Car Rental."  Otherwise, people will wonder where the fuck you are.  After thirty minutes of following faulty maps, calling disconnected phone numbers and randomly searching for non-existent addresses, people may just give up and leave your piece-of-shit car in a ditch.

Finally, when a frantic customer who is now late for his plane on the day before Thanksgiving when all other flights are sold out, arrives at your office and explains the points above, you should not answer in the following way:

"Yeah, we moved."

"The maps are wrong. We draw arrows on them to show where we are now."  (There was an arrow on my map, but there was no caption explaining it.  No one crossed out the old address and phone number or wrote in a new one.  Just a fucking arrow.)
 
"The airport doesn't allow us to put up a sign. They are difficult to deal with."

"Yeah, it's a problem."

I hope you choke on a turkey bone and the ambulance driver is from out of town and the hospital has moved and doesn't have any new signs posted and when you finally arrive dead and blue, the admitting nurse says, "Yeah, it's a problem."