Throwing Poo

Nerdy Squirrel, Esq. has the Sunday New York Times delivered every week.  As far as she is concerned, a house is not a home unless there is newspaper scattered all over the place.  I'm suffocating in homeyness.

Last week the NYT came with a little flyer from our delivery person.  (By the way, the UPS leaves packages on the porch, the pizza guy rings the bell, and the newspaper guy throws his product at the front of the house.  Maybe it's time we started qualifying the word "delivery.")  The flyer began as follows:

Happy Holidays!
Seasons Greetings!
Merry Christmas!
Peace On Earth!

No matter how you say it, they all convey the same message for this time of year.

Not exactly, professor.  They all convey the same message for this time of year if you're a Christian.  If you are Jewish, "Merry Christmas" is a just another reminder that you are an outnumbered outcast in Jesusland. 

Now that I think about it, the statement isn't even true for all Christians.  Last year the conservative pundits decided to manufacture outrage over the sayings "Happy Holidays" and "Seasons Greetings." The accusation was that these sayings constituted a "War on Christmas."  Remember that? When I close my eyes, I can still see the bodies of all those insurgent elves and dead reindeer strewn around the burning nativity scene.  War is hell. 

Finally, and not to put too fine a point on it, "Happy Holidays" is to "Peace On Earth" what "Have a slice of fruitcake" is to "Please stop butchering your inhabitants, you fucking savages."  (OK, now my fingers are starting to hurt.)

So, in truth, it actually does matter how you say it, and they all do convey different messages. 

The question you are probably asking yourself right now is: Why would a grown man pick a semantic fight with a paperboy?  For starters, it's fun and it distracts me from the inevitable drinking and self-loathing.  More importantly, though, it's because the flyer also contained this passage:

We also hope that you will consider a Christmas Gratuity.  This gratuity will be used to help offset the high cost of gas and the increase in the cost of supplies (plastic bags for your paper, etc.) throughout the year.

First, the best way to NOT get a gratuity from me is to ask for one.  The only person that can get away with this is our garbage collector.  I want him kept happy for obvious reasons.  

Second, he didn't ask for a "Holiday Gratuity," he asked for a "Christmas Gratuity."  What if I don't celebrate Christmas? Am I exempt from your crass, ham-fisted attempt to separate me from the contents of my coin purse?  I don't want to make any wild assumptions, but there just might be a few Jewish people around who read the New York Times.

The third problem I have is the line, "cost of supplies (plastic bags for your paper, etc.)."  Granted, my paper comes in a plastic bag that keeps in dry when flung into the bushes.  But what is the fucking "etcetera?"  What other supplies are there?  Icy Hot for your throwing arm?  Toilet paper for the people who don't give you tips?  Scotchguard?  What? 

Clearly, this is a gratuitous attempt to construct the perception that delivering newspapers is a complicated, highly processed, labor intensive endeavor with countless moving parts. 
Come to think of it, I seriously doubt they make the paperboy supply the plastic bags on his own dime. 

In the end, I'm sure we will tip the paper delivery guy just like we do everyone else.  However, the constant assault of subtle and not-so-subtle requests for gratuities is beginning to wear me down.  Even Subway has a tip jar.  Gratuitious as that may seem (how's that for clever word choice?  OK, I need to go get a drink now), at least it makes more sense than tipping the cashier at Starbucks. 

Thus, I will begin my campaign to create a tip-less society.  A utopian world where every expense is built into the cost of a thing and no math is required.