Throwing Poo

Let's bring everyone up to speed with one of my wise, little analogies, or parables, as I like to call them:

A large, filthy Neanderthal man is tapping a sizeable bone on the dirt floor of a cave as he stares into a fire.  As the flame crackles, we see flickering images on the cave wall: a number of crude drawings depicting the man having sex with various animals.  Another smaller Neanderthal man is sitting next to him, looking skittish.  Both are wearing a loincloths made of animal skin.  The larger man speaks:

Large Caveman:  Me unhappy
Small Cavemen:  (Grunt)
Large Caveman:  Me want new life
Small Cavemen:  (Grunt)
Large Caveman:  Me need life to have big purpose
Small Cavemen:  (Grunt)
Large Caveman:  (Gesturing with his hands) Big purpose = big happy
Small Cavemen:  (Grunts and turns his head, noticing the wall behind him) Whoa. What the fuck, dude?
Large Caveman:  Me no give a shit about you

The large caveman suddenly swings the bone in a backhand motion and smashes the smaller man across the skull, knocking him unconscious.  Dropping the bone, the large cavemen stands up and pulls down his loincloth.

Large Cavemen:  Me need new drawing for wall.

EXPLANATION:  The large caveman represents me.  The small caveman represents me.  The bone symbolizes me.  The wall symbolizes this blog.  The loincloth denotes society.  The cave, of course, symbolizes the birth canal.  You are represented by the bookish, virginal archeologists who dig up my remains millions of years later.  The beastiality images don't represent anything. They're just for fun. 

Well-conceived and thoughtful analogies notwithstanding, I think it might be useful to list the things I've learned so far in order to move forward.  Here goes:

1. I want to feel happy and content.
2. I do not want to die with lots of regret.

Jeez, that didn't take very long.  Disappointingly obvious, too, don't you think?  By the way, now that I've considered it, I do not want to die at all, with or without the regret.  However, I promised myself that I would not digress this week.  I also promised my wife I would stop peeing in the shower.   She really hates that, especially when she happens to be the one taking a shower at the time.  But I digress.

On to the pursuit of happiness and contentedness.  Approaching this topic, a thoughtful person might find it prudent to reference the number one movie in America, appropriately titled: "The Pursuit of Happyness."  Not me.  I absolutely hate the fact that they misspelled happiness to try to be cute.  Let me tell you something, mister, there is nothing cute about illiteracy.  Besides, Will Smith stinks.  And Will Smith with a creepy, 70's porno mustache is utterly unwatchable. 

Instead, let me quote one of my favorite movie lines from the cinematic version of Douglas Adams' "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."  Two characters are discussing the merits of pursuing truth:

Slartibartfast: Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it," and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day.

Arthur Dent: And are you?

Slartibartfast: Ah, no. [laughs, snorts] Well, that's where it all falls down, of course.  

So, what makes a person happy?  At this point, it would be nice for you, the reader, if I could just answer a simple goddamn question without getting all meaning-of-life and shit.  But I can't.  Please remember, this is about me, not you.  You need to figure out your own horrible existence. 

The first problem with the question is that there is a big difference between what will make me happy and content today and what will make me happy and content in the long run.  It is the difference between finding Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now.  For example, today I want to play poker and watch porn. However, in the long run, I will not be happy if the sum of my life is two large piles: one of debt and the other of dirty tissue. 

Lasting happiness comes from finding a balance between immediate gratification and life-long contentedness (unless you are one of the truly fortunate people for whom one naturally leads to the other).  In other words, while I want to strive to reach my final destination, I'm not willing to sacrifice an enjoyable ride in order to get there.

As a matter of process, the next logical thing to do is determine my "destination."  That is, I need to decide what it is that I want to accomplish with my life.  Once that is set, I can then work on mapping out a course.

THIS WEEKEND - Happy-er-ness: Part II (of at least two if not more)