Throwing Poo

On my way home from LA, the in-flight movie was "Gridiron Gang."  Normally I don't watch the movie.  Being confined in a tube for several hours with no hope of escape creates a perfect environment for an A.D.D. freakshow like me to focus and be productive.  It's when I do some of my best work.

However, after spending five fourteen-hour-plus days at a work conference glad-handing imbeciles and pretending to care, I was spent.  So, at our big finale dinner on Saturday night, I got wrecked. Totally, publicly shitfaced.  Fuck those assholes.

Needless to say, I was pretty hazy on Sunday morning.  My head was an overfilled balloon of massacred brain cells, and my ass was the Hoover Dam.  And in my stomach, the needles of a Richter scale were beginning to jump. There would be no working on this flight.  Maintaining my bodily functions would require every ounce of strength and focus. 

As I boarded the plane and settled into my seat, I thought I couldn't possibly feel any worse.  But then I watched "Gridiron Gang." 

Let me pause for a moment to say that I love crappy movies.  If I have a real vice, it's that I waste too much time watching awful, terrible movies.  I love imagining what the actors were thinking as they robotically recite trite, hacky lines with the passion of a grapefruit.  It's entertaining to me.  

I couldn't get there with "Gridiron Gang."  This movie was like someone wiped a turd across a piece of celluloid and then loaded in onto a projector.  It was so bad that I honestly tore my headphones off on four different times in abject disgust.  Unfortunately, I was too shitty to do anything else (even sleep), so I kept going back. 

The only thing I could imagine was how some tool successfully pitched this piece of garbage:

PITCHMAN: It's "Boyz In the Hood" meets "The Longest Yard."

STUDIO DOUCHEBAG: Which version?

PITCHMAN:  Why, Adam Sandler's, of course.

STUDIO DOUCHEBAG:  Good answer. Go on.

PTICHMAN: Well, we take the worst parts of those two movies, mix in every sports cliché imaginable, and then have a team of monkeys write the dialogue.

STUDIO DOUCHEBAG:  Hmmm.  Interesting.  Tell me more.

PITCHMAN:  We say it's based on a true story and then run it out for over two hours so people think it has integrity.

STUDIO DOUCHEBAG: Tell you what, throw in a WWF wrestler and a rapper, and you've got yourself a deal.

PITCHMAN:  Done!

STUDIO DOUCHEBAG:  Fantastic.  Now, give me my coke and get out.  I've got some underage hookers on their way up.

PITCHMAN: (hands over a small bag of white powder) See you next week.