Throwing Poo: Now What? Part VI

Um, yeah. So, I guess I've kinda been a drag lately. Maybe a bit sloppy, too. Seems that all this agonizing over finding happiness is making me miserable (the incoherent writing is all me, though). Some people might say that's ironic. I prefer to say that it's me being a silly, self-absorbed and just a bit schizophrenic. What kind of affected twat takes nothing seriously except his own damn self?

What I'm trying to say is, well, I'm sorry. I really like you and I hope you still like me. So, how about we put the past behind us and give it another shot? Start all over. Just the two of us. Can you find it in your heart to give me one more chance? If nothing else, will you at least do it for the children? Really? Great. I'm so happy and relieved. Now, go get me a beer, bitch!

Just kidding (but two for flinching).

Given our fresh start (you're not regretting it already, are you?), let's go back to the question raised in the first post: What would I do if I have only one year to live?

In no specific order, here is my Dead Man Walking to-do list:

1. Quit my job and rid my life of all unnecessary burdens (you know who you are)
2. Spend lots of time with family & friends (well, maybe not "lots")
3. Reconnect with old friends
4. Write my blog
5. Take guitar and drum lessons
6. Find a group of untalented wannabes like me to play "music" with
7. Write and record a song
8. Perform in front of an audience (unlike my ex-girlfriends, size would not matter)
9. Visit the pyramids (OK, now size matters)
10. Travel around Ireland
11. Study & debate philosophy and religion
12. Get into a fistfight (#10 or #11 should take care of this)
13. Learn to fence (sword fighting, not liquidating stolen goods)
14. Always eat good food and drink good wine
15. Be kind, generous and reliable

With only a year, there would obviously be some things I could not do and/or reconcile. Those are:
1. Complete and publish some form of writing
2. Write and film a short movie
3. Learn about digital audio production
4. Having spent too much time looking ahead and not enough time enjoying the moment

Not an unreasonable list, I think. So, if you're like my wife, you're saying, "OK, you've got your answer. Now get to shitting or get off your narcissistic pot. And stop peeing in the shower, dammit!"

Not so fast, sugar tits. There are a couple of inherent problems with the initial question posed. First, it assumes I can quit my job and still afford to travel, drink Brunello and keep a roof over my head while randomly punching people in the face. For me, this is true because I have a smoking piece-of-ass wife who brings home the bacon (actually, she brings home the Facon, a soy-based, pseudo-pork product that will bind your intestines like a Geisha's feet). Still, my ego will not allow me to parasitically feed off her labor like a drunken pilot fish who "needs to be creative" (*retch*). I need to earn my keep.

Also, defining the term as a year allows me to summarily dismiss other practical concerns, such as long-term health and retirement. If I want to live well, I need to stay fit and plan for the day I'm no longer able to work. These things need to be taken into account when making a decision.

Finally, I need to consider the quality of life and goals of my wife. She has certain things she would like to accomplish besides making her man happy (I blame the militant feminists). Where our goals diverge, we will need to find some compromise that we both can live with.

It seems like a good next step would be to look at all the practical implications of these goals to determine: 1) how much time and money is required; 2) how must my behavior change, and 3) how can I integrate these goals into some type of career.

In the mean time, what's on your Dead Man Walking list?

Comments

Sounds mostly reasonable. I'm looking forward to watching it play out.

Oh, and I'm with your wife - stop peeing in the shower. That's just gross.

Posted by: Robin | January 7, 2007 05:02 PM

My girlfriend told me to stop peeing in the shower...until I attempted to pee into the toilet FROM the shower. That shut her up (even though I was pleasantly surprised at my accuracy)

And I'd hike that Appalachian trail with the last year. Invite some friends and/or family to go along. If they don't want to go than screw e'm.

Posted by: jaboobie | January 7, 2007 09:34 PM

I must admit that I don't want to do this because it will make me feel impotent and depressed.

Posted by: anoymouscoworker | January 8, 2007 11:35 AM

is it just me, or does this list just sound plumb ridiculous when you have young children at home?

1. find all matching barbie shoes and put them somewhere the vacuum cannot reach.

2. eat fewer items that emerge from the e-z bake oven.

3. cull 1,243 pieces of kindergarten art work down to a manageable 125 pieces.
stick in grocery sack for safe-keeping.

4. find a way to end the practice of birthday party "goodie bags". as a result, get nominated for a nobel peace prize.

5. create new and exciting ways to cut/mold hot dogs into fun, animal shapes.

yup. that's about it.

(no comments, wiseguy. i've been up since 2 a.m., and i'm lucky to remember my own name.)

Posted by: buckkel | January 8, 2007 01:30 PM

well, I'm going to run this backwards and do the things I wouldn't have done if I could go back. In no particular order.

1. I wouldnt have dropped out of the literary magazine in high school and maybe have written something worth while.

2. Not dropped out of National Honor Society after one meeting.

3. Continued my art studies past high school.

4. Not get so bombed at the drive in the night that everyone set me up to get lucky, thus causing myself to pass out before I did.

5. Drank more when I was in Ireland.

6. Drink less when I go to Dallas, I'm supposed to be working for god's sake.

7. Moved to Toronto like I planned after college. (except I'd miss my wife)

Well those were my biggies as of late. I'm sure my drinking will create more.

Posted by: daMonkeyCode | January 8, 2007 10:54 PM

Robin: Me, too.

JB: Cool. I have to try that now (the peeing, not the hiking).

ACW: You're no fun...and impotent.

KB: Thanks for reminding me that I need to buy more condoms.

DMC: Listing my blown sexual encounter opportunities would be way too depressing...and lengthy. The rest seems entirely doable.

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