Throwing Poo

As part of my need to give back to the community (and to satisfy a court order), I will begin posting public service announcements.  While initially opposed to the idea, I soon realized that educating you cretins will make the world a more tolerable place for me.  This, in turn, will make it less likely that I employ the kind of behavior that lands me in front of judges.  It's kind of like that whole circle-of-life thing, only with the added threat of prison ass-rape.

Fortunately, I was given the freedom to choose my own area of activism.  Since I don't know much about "good causes," I didn't want some group to sucker me into promoting the gay baby seal agenda or becoming a mouthpiece for the Crackwhores for Christ lobby. 

Instead, I decided to seek out my own topics.  Fortunately, I'm a shut-in with OCD.  So it didn't take long before I dug up my first gold nugget.  Ready?

One serving of five (5) Ritz crackers has 80 calories and 4 grams of fat.

Can you believe that shit?  Crackers aren't food.  Crackers are food holders.  They are supposed to be calorically neutral.  I mean, of course there are a few calories when you top them with jalapeno cheese, whipped cream and raisins (doesn't that remind you of Christmas?).  But 80 calories in five plain old crackers?  That's crazy talk.

This knowledge suddenly made me very concerned about any other devious shit out there that is secretly making me fat.  As I began my investigation, I was shocked by what I learned.

For example, everyone knows that ice cubes don't have any calories.  So why would ice cubes made with Vodka Collins mix be any different?  I can't even fathom a reason, yet the website www.caloriecounter.com says that they have 30 calories each.  That just doesn't make sense to me. 

Then there are donut holes.  Sure, donuts have lots of fat.  But the donut holes?  Even if you ate a dozen of them every morning - and who doesn't? - they can't possibly make you gain weight.  They're holes!  It's right there in the name, for Christ's sake.  But again, weightwatchers.com disagrees.

And what about licking stamps?  I wasn't able to find any information on the nutrition sites, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were like 10 calories each, 20 if you want delivery confirmation. 

It gets so confusing, I don't know what to believe.  But I do know this, I'm ten pounds overweight and someone is to blame.  Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the store and buy some diet toothpaste.