Mad People Skillz
The following are things a human resources "expert" actually said at a recent seminar that made me want to douse her with gasoline and flick matches.
"You can't go back in time." - Thanks, professor.
"You're fired!" - I didn't think I could hate anyone more than Donald Trump. After the third time she let this one fly, I realized I had been mistaken.
The titled objective of one session: "To Gain A Better Understanding Of Effective Communication" - Effective maybe, but certainly not efficient.
"Apples to apples" - Nine times, like she was getting paid per apple.
"Nobody enjoys getting fired" - Yeah, well, I'm beginning to think I might.
"Rap port" (apparently meaning "rapport") - Why hasn't God killed this person?
"Challenges can be challenging" - OK, now she's just fucking with me.
"Um" - Every 10 seconds over the course of 4 hours, causing my ears to hemorrhage cranial fluid.
Comments
Mmm... what was the line? "... being one Jedi Mind Trick away from a murderous aneurysm and I am in a constant search for Yoda"
Then again, the term "expert" comes from the latin (x- spurt... x being a mathematical term for "unknown" and a spurt is a drip under pressure, ergo, an expert is an unknown drip under pressure... sound like the HR moron...
And I practically wet myself with this line '"Nobody enjoys getting fired" - Yeah, well, I'm beginning to think I might.'
Posted by: Matt | February 6, 2007 11:05 AM
I'm pretty sure murder is this case is covered by the Constitution.
Posted by: anoymouscoworker | February 6, 2007 11:45 AM
I always want to get fired but nobody ever does it. At this age in my life it's about the only excuse I have left to justify a good weeklong bender.
Posted by: DaMonkeyCode | February 6, 2007 04:51 PM
MATT: She was definitely a spurt...one that should've landed in a tissue.
ACW: Murder, sure. But what about all the medieval shit that leads up to it?
Posted by: CBC | February 6, 2007 04:51 PM
"Nobody enjoys getting fired."
Not true. I have been trying to get fired for the last 3 months.
Posted by: tfg | February 6, 2007 07:55 PM
Challenges are challenging...Someone get this bitch a thesaurus and school her in the ways and means of ADJECTIVES!
Posted by: It's Me... Maven | February 9, 2007 02:22 PM