Throwing Poo

Read Dave Barry online until either 1) something makes me laugh; or 2) my CRT burns out.  (I'll let you know which one happens first.)     

Consume a family-size bag of beef jerky, including the silica* gel packet (they can stick that "DO NOT EAT" warning right up their asses; they're not the boss of me!), and wash it down with a liter of Mountain Dew.  Watch with indifference as my ankles swell up over my shoes like muffin tops and then demand that the housecats acknowledge, "I am not an animal.  I am a human being!"

Explain to my former boss that is was all a big misunderstanding and beg for my old job back at a reduced salary.  Use company computer to send hate email to all those people whom I hold responsible for my failure. Sell pilfered office supplies on eBay.

Contact "Highlights" magazine and insist that my years of subscription patronage obligate them to publish at least one of my Goofus and Gallant submissions. 

Interpret the "Beers of the World" sign hanging in my neighborhood pub as a personal challenge.  Loudly boast that I am going to circle the globe tonight, starting right here in the good old U.S. of A.  Suggest that no one else in the bar is man enough to join me.  Pass out in Canada...

...wake up in dumpster behind pub.  Stumble to IHOP and treat myself to Harvest Grain & Nut pancakes to help combat hangover.  Have spirits raised by jolly, smiling staff.  Go to bathroom and notice a cartoonish penis drawn on my forehead with permanent marker.  Return to table and finish breakfast as if I never noticed.   

*Edited the original text from "silicone" to "silica" because I'm embarrassed by my stupidity (Thanks to ACW for pointing out my mistake. Showoff).  Made the footnote because I don't want to be both dumb and dishonest.