Throwing Poo

Well, it's finally happened: I've begun to bore myself.  That means it's time to finish this business of figuring out my life and actually start living it.  As Nerdy Squirrel, Esq. likes to say, "Not deciding is still a decision."  She's a smartypants.

The bad news is that there are still a number of things on my list - things I want to do before I die - which need to be addressed.  The good news is that they can be lumped into two general categories: music and writing. 

Take guitar and drum lessons
Find a group of untalented wannabes like me to play "music" with
Write and record a song
Perform in front of an audience
Music is the one thing that has always affected me on a fundamental level.  Some people lives are changed when they discover Jesus; mine changed when I discovered Queen's "News Of the World" (which I still own on LP).  The songs were visceral and the cover art both excited and frightened me.  A year later, during eighth grade, I experienced two firsts at once: getting high and listening to The Cars debut album.  It was truly the weirdest, coolest thing I had ever heard. I was hooked. 

To this day, music alone has the power to change my mood and make me happy (the Prozac and electro-shock therapy are just for fun).  At 42, I still dance around the house, play air guitar, thrash my skull (these days I stretch a little first) and test every surface in the house for its drumming potential.  My iPod is as essential to my well-being as a pacemaker (hopefully, by the time I actually need a pacemaker, Apple will have incorporated one into their iPhone). 

But this all just relates to me being a fan of music. 

While I've been blessed with a good ear for music, I've also been cursed with the finger dexterity of an arthritic camel.  Even though I have owned various guitars for over 15 years, it would be misleading to say that I've played the instrument for that long...because I stink.  A more accurate statement is that I've played with a guitar for 15 years. 

If I ever want to perform at an open mic night or infiltrate a high school talent show, let alone record a song, I'm going to need a shitload of lessons and maybe that Milli Vanilli producer guy.

Taking music classes seems easy enough.  It is something I would enjoy and is not cost-prohibitive.  It would also likely expose me to other unrealistic, talentless people who might enjoy making some collective noise.  However, given that I spend an average of 50% of my week traveling, it is damn near impossible to maintain any sort of regularly scheduled classes or activities.  I end up missing sessions, falling behind, growing discouraged and quitting.  Even when I do get some free time on the road - which is rare; it's not like the hotel porn is going to watch itself - I don't have a guitar with me to practice. 

Bottom line: If I want to experiment with music, I need a career that affords me the ability to schedule classes and utilize my free time for those activities that I choose to pursue.  

Write my blog
Complete and publish some form of writing
Write and film a short movie
While these Now What? posts have been particularly difficult and not very much fun, nearly everything else I write for this blog is a blast.  I love scribbling this drivel.  

When I first started Throwing Poo last spring (April 9th for all you potential gift-givers/anniversary-obsessed terrorists out there), I was worried that I might run out of ideas.  The exact opposite is true.  The list of topics that I want to write about just keeps growing, as does my desire to write about them.  In addition to this blog, I want to begin working on ideas for two screenplays, a children's book, two additional blogs, a book of topical essays, a fundraising book and a truckload of dirty limericks. 

Now, for a guy who is barely able to form a complete sentence, I realize I'm getting out in front of my skis a little here.  While my writing skills are improving every day, I recognize that I'm like a 300lb. woman who goes shopping for a new bikini because she recently lost 25 lbs.   There is a bit more work to be done here.

To improve my skills, I need to read at least one book a week, write an average of two hours a day, take classes and attend workshops.  It would also help if I learned the difference between a colon and a hole in the ground.  In other words, I need to resolutely commit to the process of improving my writing skills - something that is definitely going to cut into my drinking time. (To Mavis's recent comment, unlike Bukowski, Chandler, Hemingway, and all the others, I drink because of my lack of talent, not in spite of it.  Wait, did I basically just quote Dudley Moore from Arthur?!  *sigh* I fucking hate myself.)

By the way, in case you are wondering, I am not totally deluded.  I realize I will never write a sentence that could be confused with the work of the authors mentioned above.  My aspirations are nowhere near that lofty.  To publish a silly little book that sells a few thousand copies, contribute an article to a national magazine, or write a play that is produced by a local playhouse (which isn't summarily burned to the ground by an angry, literate mob.  Hmm, then again...) would, in my eyes, be considered wildly successful. 

So, the challenge is to figure out a way to earn an income by writing or some activity that enhances my ability to write. 

fin 

Whew!  That's it.  End of list.  For anyone who is still with me at this point (and, really, why would you be?), the next step is to review these ten posts, summarize the critical issues and identify some career options that fit within the final framework.  That is my task for next week. 

Where is my high school guidance counselor when I really need him?