Fade Out
During my trip to LA two weeks ago, I met an old friend for dinner. As we got to talking, the topic of writing came up. She mentioned this cool idea for a screenplay she has been kicking around over for almost a year. The problem is that she always procrastinates when the time comes to put pen to paper.
Since I had consumed several drinks, was suffering severe jet lag and, I would later learn, my immune system was being savagely attacked by a west coast rhinovirus with a boob job, I made her a deal. Starting in two weeks, each of us would begin writing our own screenplay and every week we would email the other two pages; the logic being that the peer pressure would motivate us both to make progress.
This probably sounds reasonable except for one tiny matter: my friend has attended screenwriting workshops, consumed numerous books about screenwriting, and has a S.A.G. card. As for me, I've attended movies that were produced from screenplays, consumed numerous tubs of popcorn, and have a saggy butt.
Honestly, I might as well have made a deal to wrangle ostriches, cure cancer or satisfy a woman. Like screenwriting, these are all areas that I don't know the first fucking thing about.
Am I such a fool as to believe that this filthy, pathetic little blog qualifies me as a writer?
Yes, apparently, and then some.
Instead of using my weekend to frantically read books about screenwriting and develop some semblance of a coherent idea for "my movie," I spent it fantasizing about my imminent fame and writing my Oscar acceptance speech. Here goes:
Holy shit!
(Quickly cover mouth and act embarrassed, as if this accidentally slipped out).
Oh, sorry. Sorry. I just can't believe it!
(Pull out speech).
You know, these speeches are like life insurance policies: you do it because you're supposed to, but you never think you'll actually use it.
(Pause for laughter and nods of approval).
First things first. To my currently employer: I quit. Ha ha ha. No, seriously. I've got "fuck you" money now, so go screw yourself. And don't even think about not paying me for my remaining vacation time, assholes.
To my wife: Thanks for all your support, honey. I couldn't have done it without you. But now that I have done it, this would probably be a good time for you to start looking for an apartment. By midnight tonight, Mr. Oscar and I are gonna be waist-deep in Hollywood hookers...oops...I mean ACTRESSES. Right, Gwyneth?
(Wink at Gwyn).
And don't forget to take the cats with you.
(Hold up Oscar)
By the way, what's a good cleaning solution for the Golden Dildo here? Anybody know? Where is Colin Ferrell? Ah, I'll figure it out later.
Finally, to all those unknown, aspiring young writers out there like me...er...like I USED to be. People will try to convince you to quit; to give up your dreams. I'm here to tell you one thing: take their advice.
(Point to self)
Talent like this doesn't grow on trees, especially trees with rusty jalopies and old bathtubs rotting underneath them. Find solace in occasionally affording the price of an admission ticket - probably on payday, right before you drink the rest of your check - to witness in some small, totally insignificant way the cinematic bliss we have suffered to bring you. Puny as it is, that's your destiny as sure as this...
(Wave Oscar high in the air)
... is mine.
Leave art to the artists and we'll leave frying bologna and raping livestock to you.
Thank you, everyone! Colin, I'll see you at the party, bro.
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