Throwing Poo

Last week I spent four days at a national work conference in Washington D.C., culminating with a mind-numbing, eight-hour session on managing human resources.  By the time the final meeting rolled around, I had already spent three 14-16 hour days glad-handing, back-slapping, and ass-grabbing constituents from across the country.   I was tired, hung-over, and had nary a nugget of shit left to give.  Saying I was punchy would be like saying Mike Tyson is prickly.

The topic of Human Resources totally eats ass to begin with.  As far as I'm concerned, managing other people is by far the worst part of any job, and I'm sure anyone who has had to manage me would whole-heartedly agree.  Spending eight hours talking about how to manage employees who grope, gripe, sham, scam, pilfer and pummel, is downright depressing. 

As always, the moderator for the session was a total hack.  This overweight, middle-aged woman looked like a snowman build entirely out of make-up, jewelry, polyester and perfume.  She began with a lame joke because "it is important to start presentations with a laugh."  Truly innovative stuff. 

Normally, I would just sit quietly and spend the day attempting to kill her with the Jedi mind trick.  However, because of my elevated sleep deprivation and blood-alcohol levels, there was no way I was going to be able to keep my cake hole shut.  It was going to be a problem. 

For the most part, my smart-assedness was neither toxic nor detrimental:

MODERATOR:  "What do you hope to get out of this session?"
ME:  "Snacks."

MODERATOR:  "We need people of intelligence and integrity."
ME: (Getting up to leave) "Guess I'll go wait in the car." 

MODERATOR:  "Have you ever heard of Brainstorming?"
(Yes, she really asked this question.)
ME:  "Not since Wendy's aired their 'Where's The Beef!' campaign."
MODERATOR:  "So you're familiar?"
ME:  "Sure, but with this group it is more like Partly Cloudy With A Chance Brain Drizzle."

It went like that for most for the day.  Then the moment of truth came.  Asking us to break up into groups, the moderator gave us this scenario:  Assume you are a manufacturer of wire coat hangers and all the dry cleaning companies have decided to switch to another type of hanger - what do you do with your inventory? 

My hand shot into the air and, after hesitating for a quick sigh, the moderator pointed to me and said yes.  Whether it was through an inexplicable moment of decorum, or my 30-year mortgage flashing before my eyes, I lowered my hand and kept quiet.  My best joke of the day, best joke of the week, was left to die in silence so that I might live to work another day.

"Do we assume Roe Vs. Wade is still intact?"