Things To Do In New Orleans That Aren't In Frommer's Travel Guide
Worry about getting mugged.
Try in vain to convince your wife that watching a Live Sex Show on Bourbon Street is nothing more than simply experiencing a little local flavor, like eating barbequed oysters or listening to jazz.
Watch as other people get mugged.
Eavesdrop on fat, bead-dazzled tourists in jokey t-shirts as they congratulate themselves for helping the local economy by coming here for the weekend and drinking their paychecks.
Get mugged.
Play "Guess What Kind Of Drink The Loud, Staggering Asshole Just Spilled On Me."
Explain to the other muggers on your way back to the hotel that you've just been mugged and have nothing left to steal.
Feel obligated to over-tip everybody because they've all got a tragic fucking Katrina story to tell you.
Comments
I'm surprised guidebooks on New Orleans don't simply consist of one page saying, in giant type, "Just go out and pet the seedy underbelly"
Posted by: anonymouscoworker | May 29, 2007 12:10 PM
So don't keep us in suspense! What happened on your trip??
Posted by: Mighty Dyckerson | May 29, 2007 07:13 PM
You forgot the following:
Sleep on a stained bed no matter the cost or rating of the hotel you are staying in.
Get assaulted in this order:
hooker
hooker's pimp
hooker's mother/pimp
hooker again
Posted by: ADW | May 29, 2007 08:51 PM
I assume that showing your tatas for beads goes without saying.
Posted by: tfg | May 29, 2007 10:03 PM
ACW: "Seedy" would be a apt term to describe the bedspread in our room. And I mean that in a bad way.
MD: Hepatitis. Could've been the oysters, then again...
ADW: You betcha.
TFG: Of course. My saggy man-boobs were the toast of the town.
Posted by: Crunchy BC | May 29, 2007 10:58 PM
The live sex acts aren't all that lively or sexy or even sex for that matter. MrWurdibitsch and I decided to check it out during our last visit to NOLA.
Take the seediest bar in your hometown. Take out all but six lightbulbs and a spotlight. Add some pretty strung-out strippers who are either high or crazy or high and crazy. Then, stir in a few thuggish teens with fake IDs, some drunk fratboys with attitudes, a bouncer with a chip on his shoulder, and some watered-down drinks. Serve all of this at sticky, wobbly tables.
There you have it. The "live sex" takes place upstairs and only if the stripper has a partner there who they're willing to "perform" with for an audience. Apparently, that's kind of rare but it does get the kinky and the curious in the door.
Sounds like you had a craptacular time in New Orleans. If that was your first time, please don't give up on the town. It can be amazing.
Posted by: Ima Wurdibitsch | May 30, 2007 01:28 PM
My favorite part of the "live sex" show was all the pregnant cocktail waitresses. Apparently when you get knocked up as a stripper, you just cocktail until you drop the little bugger! Or maybe the coked out strippers who have to come to the tables begging for tips after their performance. Be thankful you didn't go in. It is truly horrifying.
New Orleans girl who almost feels guilty for not haveing a tragic Katrina story!
Posted by: Melissa | May 30, 2007 04:48 PM
IW: We actually had fun. Not LIVE SEX SHOW fun, but fun enough.
MEL: Unfortunately the term "truly horrifying" only increases my regret.
Posted by: Crunchy BC | May 30, 2007 10:22 PM