Throwing Poo

For me, heading into the weekend knowing that I have to attend church on Sunday is like spending two days peeling a giant Band-Aid off my brain.  Still, I wanted to try to have some fun, so Nerdy Squirrel, Esq. and I decided to go to a local “Party in the Park” festival, complete with greasy bikers, carnival barkers, and enough fresh stitches to start a sweatshop.

The festival was actually pretty fun; the weather was dry and cool, the live music was a interesting mix of jazz standards and alt rock, and there was an ample offering of both elephant ears and funnel cakes.  At one point in the evening, as Nerdy was trying to con a free facial from a local masseuse (insert your own joke here) and I was palming mints from the Shriner’s booth, a young girl tapped me on the back and handed me a tiny, pamphlet called “Doom Town.” 

Unlike most people, I will actually go out of my way to get propaganda of any type, especially religious.  To me, it’s like someone coming up to you and openly sharing how retarded they are.  That’s always good eatin’.

It turns out that “Doom Town” is an animated re-visioning of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah with a conspicuous emphasis on gay sex, footnoting the two obligatory bible verses against homosexuality: Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13. (I later found out that “Doom Town” is available online.  You can read it here, and I strongly recommend that you do.  It’s fantastic.) 

After a quick read of “Doom Town,” I suddenly realized how I would spend my time in church on Sunday morning: reading Leviticus in its entirety.  Despite my religious upbringing, we had never spent much time on the Old Testament.  But seeing as 10% of the population is being singled out based on this one book of the bible, I figured it was time to give it a thorough examination.  So, on Sunday morning, with my newfound booklet of enlightenment secure in the breast pocket of my sport coat and my wife’s bible tucked under my arm, I headed off to church to get my Leviticus on. 

Now, let’s forget for a moment about the mountain of translation problems and the ocean of inconsistencies in the bible.  Taken for its word alone, it turns out that “Doom Town” was right:  Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 really do condemn homosexuality.  But that ain’t all it condemns.  No sir, not by a long fucking shot. 

What else, according to bible, is an abomination?  Here is a brief list:

Eating shellfish, pork or hasenpfeffer - Lev. 11:9

Getting a haircut - Lev. 19:27

Eating meat with blood in it – Lev. 19:26

Getting a tattoo - Lev. 19:28 

Women wearing pants - Deut. 22:5

Wearing a wool/linen blended fabric (Tasteless, maybe, but an abomination?) – Deut. 22:11

Murder scene sex – Lev. 18:19

By the way, no where in Leviticus does it qualify the seriousness of these abominations.  All require being cast out or killed.  It makes you wonder if God is Chinese.

Anyway, a few other biblical “facts”:

Burnt offerings are more gooder.  Only the best and no blemishes, please.  God is a very picky eater. 
- Lev 1:1 through 7:37.

MILF hunting is a capital offense – Lev. 20:10

Why John Bobbit will never go to heaven -  Deut.23:1 

Forget your rake in the yard?  Leave it.  God says it no longer belongs to you - Deut. 24:19.

In the military and don’t want to get sent to Iraq?  No problem. Just get married. – Deut. 24:5. 

Guys, if you get into a fight, make sure your wife doesn’t jump in and grab the other guy’s ball bag, or you’ll have to cut her hand off.  Apparently this was such a problem is ancient Egypt that God had to make a rule about it   – Deut. 25:11.

While it’s amusing that the same people who want to shield their children from sex education in the school are sending them out to delivery pamphlets about homosexuality, I have a huge fucking problem with intellectually bankrupt bottom feeders that selectively choose biblical passages in order to justify their prejudices. 

So, the next time someone comes up to you and denounces homosexuality, simply nod your head and then ask them to join your upcoming protests at Red Lobster and The Gap.  If that doesn’t work, just quote John 3:16.5 - "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life, unless, of course, you’re a fag.”

NOTE: Before posting this, I did a google search on Leviticus and other key words like crazy, insane, and ridiculous, and found this very funny article from 2000 or so which basically states this case in a far more succinct and entertaining fashion.   Bastard!