Throwing Poo

Transcript of a Live Broadcast on WKYC Channel 3 News in Cleveland, Ohio

Anchorman: Let’s go to our roving reporter, Christopher Franz, who is LIVE at protest march happening at this very moment.

Anchorwoman:  Wow, that sounds exciting!

Anchorman: Shut the fuck up, Jessica.  Just stick your tits out and smile like you were hired to do.  Sorry, go ahead, Chris.

Chris Franz:  Thanks, Dan.  I’m standing here in front of the Red Lobster Seafood Restaurant in Rocky River where a small group of protesters from a group called, um, “Busybodies of Christ,” it looks like, have been marching and waving signs all afternoon. 

Anchorman:  What’s their issue, Chris?

Chris Franz:  Well, it appears they have a beef with seafood. *chuckles*  Shellfish, in particular.  Let me move over here and try to get an explanation straight from the seahorse’s mouth *chuckles*.

Anchorman (off camera):  Jesus, if he says another fucking seafood pun, I want someone to kill me immediately. 

Wait, what?  My mic is still on?

*ahem*  OK, Chris.  Be careful out there. 

Goddamn it, Larry! How many fucking times have I told you to turn (click).

Chris Franz: Uh, thanks. Dan. 

Excuse me, sir.  Chris Franz from Channel Three News. Can you tell me why you are here protesting today?

Protester 1 (holding a sign that says, “Hepatitis Is God’s Way of Punishing Sinners”):
Yeah, man.  We’re here to tell all the F.A.G.s that they are going to Hell for performing abominable acts against God. 

Chris Franz:  Fags?

Protester 1:  Yeah.  Feeders of Anti-Christian Gastronomy.  Or Forbidden Aliment Gorgers.  We couldn’t really decide. Anyway, F.A.G.s for short in either case.

Chris Franz: Let me see if I understand; you’re protesting against people eating seafood?

Protester 1:  Shellfish, dude.  Shellfish.  It’s all right there in Leviticus 11:9.

Chris Franz:  No kidding?

Protester 1:  Absolutely.  Many people don’t know it, but eating shellfish is the real reason why Adam & Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden.  The apple is a symbol for shellfish.  God caught Adam & Eve doing oyster shooters with Satan under the Tree of Knowledge.

Chris Franz:  Are you sure it wasn’t just an apple?

Protester 1: Of course. Ever hear of the ‘fruit of the sea’?  You see, to understand the bible, you have to understand what is symbolic and what is literal.  

Chris Franz:  And how do you know that?

Protester 1 (points to his head):  God tells you.

Chris Franz:  I see.  So do you actually hate those people in there eating shrimp?

Protester 1:  No. We hate the sin, not the sinner.

Chris Franz:  But I heard you yell at one couple that, wait, here it is, “You’ll be eating shit-covered scampi out of Satan’s asshole in hell!”

Protester 1:  I was talking to the sin.

Chris Franz:  Right.  I see you’re wearing a button that says ‘CRAB.’  What does that mean?

Protester 1: We were originally going to call ourselves the ‘Council for Righteous Aliments, Baby,’ but StarPhish thought it sounded like were we trying to find a cure for scabies.  Unfortunately, I’d already made the buttons.  You should talk to StarPhish, though.

Hey, StarPhish!  Come here and talk to this reporter!

StarPhish (carrying a sign that says “Meat is Murder”):  Don’t tell me what to do, Bobby!  You know I don’t like it when you do that!

Bobby:  Sorry.  Will you please come over here and talk to this guy?

(walks away chanting) Lobsterfest is a Satanic ritual!  Lobsterfest is a Satanic ritual!

Chris Franz:  Why are you here today, young lady?

StarPhish: Like, can’t you read the sign?  Eating animals is a sin, man.  You know, “Thou shalt not kill,” and all that.

Chris Franz: I think the commandment is, “Thou shalt not murder.”

StarPhish:  Meat IS murder, man.  Like I told you, read the sign.

Chris Franz:  So you’re protesting the eating of all fish, not just shellfish?

StarPhish: Shellfish is just the beginning for me.  I won’t rest until all of God’s creatures roam free and live in harmony with the vegan race.

Chris Franz:  So, will all the animals will be vegetarian, too?

StarPhish:  Well, they learned to kill from us, so they can learn to be vegans from us, too.  But we need to start by, like, setting a good example.

Chris Franz:  Right.  OK then.  And you, sir, what do you hope to accomplish here today?

Protester 3 (holding a sign saying, “Deadliest Catch – You Ain’t Kiddin’, Brother!”):  Um, I, um, you know, um…

Chris Franz:  Do you think eating shellfish is a mortal sin?

Protester 3:  Well, um, I’m kind of here with, um, StarPhish?

StarPhish:  No you’re not, Sheldon!

Sheldon:  No.  Right.  OK.  But still, kind of. 

StarPhish:  I’ve told you before, I’m with Bobby now.  Jeez.

Sheldon:  Yeah, well…forget this, I’m starving (drops sign and walks into restaurant).

Chris Franz: So there you have it, Dan.  ‘Busybodies for Christ’ protesting the eating of shellfish as an abomination against God.

Anchorman: Chris, to be fair, how are the representatives from Red Lobster responding to this protest?

Chris Franz:  Their official response is that Lobsterfest begins August 1st and all denominations are welcome.

Anchorman:  Thanks, Chris.  Good work.