Throwing Poo

July 19, 2007, outside Crunchy Blue Commando’s Mansion.

Quiet!  Quiet, please.

Given the overwhelming public outcry and relentless hounding by the media, I have decided to break my silence and discuss my recent departure from The Peevery.  Hopefully this will put an end to all the breast-beating, candlelight vigils and public urination that has been taking place in front of my home since the announcement. 

Seriously, just look at what you savages are doing to my landscaping.  Do you think my hedges just naturally grew into the shapes of the Seinfeld cast?  Huh?  Thanks to stupid Wolf Shitzer over there, it now looks like Elaine dropped a deuce right where she is standing.  Jesus, dude, how much corn do you eat?  In fact, why don’t you do everyone else a favor and stay in the Situation Room until you get that incontinence under control.

And my lawn!  Do you people have any idea how much cross-cutting it took for me to mow that image of Christ into the grass?  Now it’s ruined and I’ll probably never sell my house to some inbred hayseed on eBay for triple the price.  Thanks, assholes. Thanks a lot.

Let’s get to the matter at hand.  Despite all the swirling rumors, I left The Peevery on my own accord.  I was not forced out due to my alleged addiction to blue Skittles, the 20/20 expose on my underage Filipino man-servant, Ricky Ricardo, or the severe depression I recently suffered as a result of numerous failed attempts to clone Gene Gene, The Dancing Machine.  While these personal challenges have not made my life any easier, they also have not affected the quality of my work.

My primary reason for leaving The Peevery has to due with my desire to focus on several new writing projects.  First, I will be regular contributor to Amazon book reviews as well as providing satirical content for Anonymous Coworker and Assclownopolis.  While some naysayers have made the semantic argument that my contributions are merely “comments,” I prefer to think of my words as a necessary cog in the well-oiled machine of modern literature.  I guess I’m just a glass-is-half-full kind of guy in that way.

Second, I have recently learned that Netflix subscribers can now login to the website and watch eighteen hours a month of movies directly on their computers.  Well, being as I am the proud owner of such a computer, it would be foolish for me to not take full advantage of this elite membership perk. 

Finally, let me say that I have no regrets about the year I spent with The Peevery or my decision to leave.  Now, if it suddenly gets national recognition and all the Peevers become famous, someone may need to die so I can get my position back.  Given the choice between being a celebrity under investigation for murder or the blogging equivalent of Pete Best and Henri Padovani, I’ll choose the former every time.

That’s all I have to say on the matter and I will not take any questions.  And for Christ’s sake, Wolf, pull your pants up and get the fuck out of my bushes!

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