Throwing Poo

My colon is mad as hell and it’s not going to take it anymore.

On Saturday we had the families over for my birthday party.  Since it was a nice day, and since we are cheap, and since our relatives are animals that will eat anything you put in front of them and even some things you don’t, we decided to simply grill up some burgers and brats.

Normally I don’t eat a lot of meat (both literally and figuratively, assholes).  But Nerdy Squirrel insisted that we cook extra for the party to ensure the safety of our cats.  As a result, we ended up with a lot of leftovers, which, like some sort of late-blooming Depression baby, I am compelled to eat.  Couple that with having tickets to two baseball games this week, during which one is obligated to eat at least two hot dogs with onions and stadium mustard on each, and you have the makings of a perfect storm in my ass.

As of Thursday morning, I honestly cannot stop farting.  But I can live with that.  The real problem is that my air biscuit early warning system has crashed.  That’s right, every decent human being’s worst nightmare: unpredictable, uncontrollable farts.  It’s like my asshole has turned into a yammering wife (how’s that for role reversal) who is constantly nagging at me about what not to eat.
  
So, I’d like to send an open letter to my body, the gastro-intestinal system in particular, to clear the air, so to speak. 

Dear Bowels & Pals,

First, I’d like to thank you for 43 years of outstanding service.  You are an integral part of the proud, professional team of organs that work together to keep me from shitting myself.  While you rarely receive the attention or accolades that the brain, penis and other organs enjoy, make no mistake, your work is important and provides the foundation for everything I do.  How, I ask, would I be able to hold down a job or maintain a marriage with regular doses of Dinty Moore stew brewing in my underpants?  I could not.

Second, I realize that the past five days of ingesting highly-processed red meat-like products have produced an overburdened, unsafe and possibly even hostile workplace for you.  As such, I cannot fault you and your team for a few unexpected and very public outbursts.  Let’s just say that a few extra stains in my underpants will not result in a permanent stain on your record. 

Finally, if the recent underperformance has been an attempt to bring attention to the serious matter of my diet, than consider it well-noted.  I can assure that no wiener, frankfurter, or bratwurst will disrupt your harmonious work environment anytime soon.  In fact, for the next few weeks, a steady diet of raw vegetables, bran and fresh fruit should allow you to take some extra time off.  And, as always, I encourage you and your staff to take advantage of our casual Friday policy.

Sincerely,

Crunchy BC

P.S.  I would welcome the opportunity to discuss with you performance incentives for on-demand output.