Throwing Poo

It’s Friday, and I haven’t taken a respectable crap all week.  Despite eating nearly two boxes of raisin bran – that’s four scoops of raisin - a loaf (the word mocks me) of double-fiber bread, and enough celery sticks to choke a kindergarten full of five-year-olds, I’m still constipated.  My stomach is puffy, I feel bloated, and my back hurts. I’m pregnant with a brown baby, and nobody has told me that I’m glowing.

Beside the physical unpleasantness, being constipated really bothers because I am such a devoted disciple of roughage.  If my fingers were perpetually stained with the grease from cheesy Gorditas, pizza Hot Pockets, and Sausage McMuffins, then I’d not complain.  But I eat more fiber than a fucking woodchuck.  The only way I could get more fiber in my diet is if I sprinkled sawdust on my food.  And it’s not like I enjoy it, but I’m willing to pay the price in order to crap well-formed dowel rods on a regular basis. 

Now it seems that fiber has forsaken me.  If another week goes by, I may finally be forced to schedule a colonoscopy, which I'll almost certainly enjoy and then turn into a gay size-queen.

To make matters worse, Bob, the electrical contractor who came over yesterday to quote the installation of a cat escalator (Max is getting way too fat), asked to use my bathroom and, as if to mock my pain, squeezed out an unbelievably putrid Conan-the-Barbarian shit.  This inconsiderate cocksucker stunk up the whole first floor of my house, and then said he’d have to get back to me later with a quote because, “I’ve got an appointment with an important customer.”

What, do they need you to rush over and wipe your ass with their pillows and jerk-off on their Pomeranian, you filthy bastard?  Go fuck yourself, Bob.

(Apparently Bob's exploits are notorious.  Three hours later, a siding contractor entered my house, took a whiff and said, "Christ.  You having some electrical work done or what?")

Anyway, I tried listening to my iPod to keep my mind off of my condition, but got distracted and instead came up with some Rolling Stones songs for it: 

  Defecation ( I Can’t Get No)
  You Can’t Always Shit When You Want
  Waiting On A Friend
  Stinky Fingers
  (Hey! You!) Get Off My Bowel
  Just My Constipation

I know these are lame, but remember that I’ve got a week’s worth of toxins coursing through my veins and poisoning my body.  So how about you give me a fucking break.