Thursday
Few things will put me in a shitty mood quicker than stepping in a puddle of unforeseen and mysterious fluid while wearing socks. Unfortunately I live in an old house with hardwood floors, two cats and a wife who spills more coffee than Michael J. Fox working the counter at Starbucks, so I end up going through a lot of pairs.
However, when I entered the bathroom on Tuesday morning, the squish du jour was exceptional. Unlike with the usual suspects - gelatinous hairballs, puddles of Kenyan Blend or pools of coagulating dead-hooker blood – the sheer volume of juicy revulsion oozing up between my toes defied normality. Something was wrong.
After screaming, crying and vomiting like a twelve-year-old bulimic at an Aaron Carter concert (or Nicole Richie at dinnertime), I decided to investigate. Turns out my old, corroded plumbing had failed. And if this embarrassing personal problem wasn’t bad enough (I’m told it happens to everyone), the pipe under my bathroom sink had also sprung a leak and was the feeding the new wading pond on my floor.
So I fixed it.
(Note to self: work on increasing the dramatic affect of conflict resolution).
****
The other day I was cleaning out my closet - it’s amazing how quickly those latent homosexual experiences pile up - and found this old video of me catching my parents during foreplay. Enjoy.
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