Throwing Poo

Remember last year when AOL got publicly embarrassed for recklessly wielding a mighty pimp hand against one of their bitches who dared to want to quit? (Welcome to the internet.  I am what is called a “link.” I connect to an idea/subject referenced in the previous sentence to give unfamiliar readers some context. Click on me with your mouse, and enjoy the ensuing clarity.  You’re welcome!)  

Given the outrage that resulted, I assumed that the world would become a better place for us hos.  No more getting smacked around by the mack daddies we rely on for our internet, television, cell phones, credit cards and other subscription-based services. 

Well, apparently I was wrong; the corporate pimp hands remain strong.  (Did my black eye give it away?) 

Last Friday I tried to cancel a Citibank credit card and our Cox Cable HBO service. Unfortunately I couldn’t just tell these companies to fuck off.  With AOL or Sprint, if things got really bad, I could just have my bank stop payment.  Citibank, on the other hand, has all my credit information and can simply leave the account open, and with Cox Cable I wanted to keep some level of service.  So, one after the other, I was forced to go through invasive inquisitions that left my eyes swollen and my orifices sore.  

When Nerdy Squirrel, Esq. got home from work, she found me sitting fully-clothed in the tub, crying and shaking under a running shower.  When she asked what had happened, this is how I remembered it:

Cox: Where you gonna go, bitch?

Me:  I, um, I got plans, daddy.

Cox:  What the fuck you say?

Me:  I want a better life.  I’m gonna study to be a cosmetologist.

Cox:  Telling fortunes and shit?

Me:  No (laughs nervously). No. Cutting hair.

Cox: Bitch, you don’t know nuthin’ ‘bout cutting no hair.

Me:  I can learn.  I wanna be somebody, not no sorry-ass pimp like…

*SMACK*

Me:  (Whimpering)  Sorry, daddy!  I didn’t mean it, I swear!

Cox:  Now, you gonna start acting right and pay me my money? 

Me:  Yes, daddy.  I’ll pay, I’ll pay.  

Anyway, HBO really does have some great shows, and I guess it’s always good to have an extra credit card on hand