Addicted To Snob
Since it has become painfully obvious that none of you self-involved cheese-eaters have the decency to organize an intervention, I am going to have to take matters into my own wobbly hands. For too many years and too many miles I lived with this addiction. The time has come for me to grab the frequent-flyer monkey by his honey-roasted peanuts and throw him off my aching back.
As any junkie will tell you, usually for a cigarette butt, knowing you have a problem is not enough. You have to truly want to make a change. You have to understand and appreciate the value in not booking a flight from Cleveland to Indianapolis that connects through San Diego just to earn a few extra miles.
Crammed into the middle seat of my sixth flight this week, captive to my tray table and the remnants of my complimentary cup of dry cereal and half a banana breakfast, I am beginning to find desire for clarity. For change.
What does it get me, these miles I so desperately crave? These points, credits, digits, numbers on a page that waste so much time and drive me to neglect myself (though the abuse certainly continues) and my family. A couple of free flights per year? What is that worth, maybe a few hundred bucks, the approximate price of four Thai hookers for two hours each on a weekday (weekend rates are higher)? Broken down to an hourly wage, I’d make more money, not to mention interesting acquaintances, collecting aluminum cans.
One problem is that, like uniform Poptart toasting and bodily fluid spin art, it’s something I’m good at. And like most people, I feel compelled to pursue those endeavors in which I comfortably excel. It’s like destiny, or, at the very least, it’s easy. I need to learn that doing something because I’m good at it is very different from doing something because it makes me feel good.
The bigger problem is the perks of being a Gold Frequent Flyer. Bypassing long security lines, boarding the plane before the common unwashed masses, getting bumped to first class, and getting blow jobs from stewardesses make me feel important. Or at least more important that the filthy cretins in coach. And I like it.
It is elitism, and awfully petty elitism at that. And I hate being petty. It’s just so...common.
Comments
Keep at it, if it means getting wround the stinky masses that overload the fabulous security team that is the Hopkins Airport. *Cringe, shiver*
Posted by: ADW | October 30, 2007 08:16 AM
You could always donate your miles to me.
Posted by: anonymouscoworker | October 30, 2007 11:24 AM
Why the hell are you flying so much? You're a fucking cashier!
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"bodily fluid spin art"
Best string of words I've seen today:)
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