Tosser
I’m no pack rat. Unnecessary clutter makes me anxious and I like nothing better than getting rid of stuff I no longer need or want (unless, of course, that unnecessary thing might turn around and sue me for half the stuff I actually do need or want).
However, there are certain items that I just can’t bring myself to throw away. Typically, these are things that I feel I might need some day. Unidentified keys, expired warranty cards, random screws and bolts, old girlfriends’ phone numbers, and my future to name a few.
Topping the list, though, is medications. The drawer in our hall closet is a DEA agent’s wet dream of stockpiled drugs. There are leftovers from previous illnesses and injuries (Zyrtec, Vicodin, some generic penicillin, and a miraculous ointment about which I refuse to comment), expired over-the-counter remedies (for the four “C”s: cold and flu, constipation, cortisone, and the craps), and so many random pills littered across the bottom of the drawer that it looks like the floor of an M&M factory.
(When I was a kid, I imagined the M&M factory as a magical workshop where Christmas music is playing over the loudspeakers and giant, framed posters of Pixar movies decorate the walls. Inside five distinct, brightly-colored conveyer belt lines (red, green, yellow, orange and blue, of course!) made of taffy are each manned by a team of whistling leprechauns in color-coded jumpsuits. At the beginning of each line a giant, fat rabbit dressed-up as a distinct superhero is happily grazing on a steady diet of candy canes and sugarplums. Sparkling pixies zip to and fro overhead carrying large, festive syringes filled with antibiotics which are continuously injected into the rabbits to stave off illness and disease because rabbits are herbivores and their digestive systems were not meant to digest processed sugars. Oh, and intravenous tubes connected to each rabbit’s right eye-socket – the eyeball is removed when the rabbits first arrive - pump a continuous flow of dye (red, green, yellow, orange and blue, of course!) into its bloodstream. At the end of the line, imported child-labor from North Korea paint little “M”s on each candy by hand using a lead-based paint and a pointed stick they must continually sharpen with their own teeth.)
The Holy Grail of my stash is my EpiPen, an epinephrine auto-injector that, despite having expired in 2003, I am certain will say my life someday, probably from shadowy alien invaders who can pinpoint earth from light years away but still have to rely on prosaic crop circles to find a good landing spot; who can easily survive in our atmosphere yet biologically generate a airborne poison mist that is released from their wrists like Spiderman or some shit; and who can be killed with plain old water but are magically affected by rain or dew or humidity or every other fucking thing in our world that is made up 90% water. Knowing my EpiPen is safely tucked away gives me comfort, as does the baseball bat mounted on my wall.
Anyway, having had a bad cold the past week, I’ve been ingesting massive amounts of symptom reducers. On Wednesday morning, to my surprise, I had eaten through all the leftover cold medicine we had amassed, all except for a 24 Hour Sudafed Extended Release tablet containing 240 mg of pseudophedrine sulfate that expired in 2006. You may also know this product by its street name, crystal meth.
Sudafed’s website says you should stop using this product if you feel nervous, dizzy or sleepless. And for the next 24 hours, I felt exactly that. It made me as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs being rocked by horny old men who like nothing better than sodomizing long-tailed cats. It made me as dizzy as a glue-sniffing dervish riding the Roundup on smaller, earth-like orb with a much faster planetary rotation. It made me as sleepless as Seattle (they drink a lot of coffee there). And I was as queasy as queasy person who takes expired medications on an empty stomach.
But I didn’t have the slightest bit of nasal congestion or sinus pressure. So maybe I’ll just hang on to the rest of the Sudafed for a while. Just in case.
Comments
Got any Viagra in that drawer? If so, send it to me. (It's for a friend.)
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Ah out with it... that ointment's gotta be either Prep H (what with all your IBS type symptoms) or Vagistat... which one is it?:)
PS: Speakiing of "tossers," have you ever heard of Scrotoss?. If that ever becomes popular here in NY state, I just may have found my calling in life!
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