Throwing Poo

9:00AM.
If anyone ever tells you that global warming doesn’t cause grave human suffering, ask them if they’ve ever been stuck in Indianapolis for a weekend due to a freak snowstorm.  Like me.  This. Very. Weekend.

Now I know how all those people in New Orleans felt when the levees broke.  I’m cut off from humanity, and getting more desperate by the minute.  I expect to begin looting by noon and will certainly kill and rape (yes, in that order) anyone unlucky or stupid enough to cross my frantic path.  And God help anyone who gets between me and the first fucking flight out of this Midwestern shithole stuffed with bacon and smothered in cheese.

9:28AM
All flights are cancelled today.  The worst thing about your flight getting cancelled is that the airlines don’t automatically reserve you a seat on the very next flight.  They will put you in the next available seat, but if all the flights are already full for the next two days, you’re totally screwed.  They won’t bump someone else in order to help you.  I guess they figure it is better to fuck a few people really hard than to fuck a lot of people lightly.

Even the adventurous are stuck.  Rental car companies are denying customers the option of one-way rentals and apparently police in Ohio are ticketing anyone foolish enough to attempt to drive on the interstate.  Fortunately the Mariott can board me for another night, but I’m sure I’ll get charged their special, extra-lubricant rates.  Fuck it.  Might as well get some exercise.

9:31AM
Of course, the hotel “fitness center” is a garage sale of mismatched, broken-down cardio equipment and single dumbbells.  Total joke.  Since there is nothing else to do, I’m going down to the front desk to bitch.

9:37 AM
Score!  My old-manish griping was rewarded with a free day-pass to the local Bally’s fitness center.  While I abhor Bally’s and everything they stand for – high-pressure sales, steroid use and spandex – at least they have free weights. 

11:26 AM
Feeling much better now.  On my way out of Bally’s, the nice-but-still-mullet-wearing desk guy pointed me to a good local breakfast joint.  Over short stack of blueberry granola pancakes and extra bacon, I had something of an epiphany.  Despite my travel savvy and uncanny ability to find or manufacture alternatives, I waste a colossal amount of time attempting to expedite my travel.  In fact, on a daily basis I am completely pre-occupied with being efficient and productive, so much so that I rarely take time to enjoy anything.  I just don’t have any fun anymore.

But today is beginning to feel like a reprieve.  I’m stuck.  There is no driveway to shovel, no walls to paint, no budget to recalculate, no demands on my attention.   Why not try a little fun for a change? 

Speaking of change, I don’t have any clean clothes.  Hell, I only expected to be here for a day and a half, not four. Guess I’d better find a laundrymat.

12:56 PM
Fresh, warm boxers feel yummy on my frosty testicles.  I noticed a Kohl’s on my way back from the laundry.  Think I’ll head over there and buy a swimsuit so I can splash around in Mariott’s festive pool this afternoon. 

2:14 PM
When I asked a young clerk where the men’s swimsuits were located, she said, without a hint of humor or sarcasm, that they’d probably be in the men’s department.  Sensing a family history of service-industry work and mild retardation, I followed up with a stoic request for specifics.  She shrugged, and then just stood there staring at me, as if waiting for me to dismiss her ignorance.  I quickly obliged, as it was very uncomfortable and I was in a big hurry to mumble insults at her under my breath. 

Before I go swimming, I think I’ll find a cozy corner in the lobby to work on my awful, half-baked screenplay. 

8:51 PM
Nice baR in lobbby..   GOod Sam Adam’s Winter Ale!  mAKes me happiness!.. 

8:52 PM
(yack!)

8:54 PM
I sink I shit myseff.

8:58 PM
(yack!)

9:05 PM
(zzzzz)