Throwing Poo

Subconscious, Inc
100 Cerebellum Avenue
Skullsville, ID 00001

Oliver Ben, Esq.
Ben, Dover & Taket, LLC
123 Hereitcomes Avenue
Cleveland, OH  44107

Dear Subconscious,

We are writing to inform you that our firm is issuing a Breach of Contract against your company and will be seeking damages on behalf of our client, Crunchy Blue Commando (CLIENT).  The details of our breach claim follow:

1. In its contracted duty as purveyor of dreams, Subconscious has continuously proved incapable of updating and maintaining accurate records regarding Client.  As a result, Subconscious has consistently failed to recognize that the Client is no longer in college, nor has he been for the past twenty years. 

2. Subconscious’s ineptitude in this specified duty continues to result inaccurate and inappropriate dreams in which Client has a college class which he has not attended all year, and the final exam that day.  

3. As a result of said dreams, Client has suffered a lack of sleep, has been forced to increase laundering of sweat-stained sheets, and has developed a generally cranky demeanor. 

4. While recognizing that Subconscious does have some contractual leeway in offering dreams of a historical nature, it is both inexplicable and gratuitous that these collegiate dreams are always negative.  Even though they are accurate in relation to the Client’s Introduction to Sociology course taken during his freshman year (and really, that stuff is just common sense, so why bother going to class), it is as if Subconscious refuses to recognize any of the good times Client had during college (i.e., the drinking, the drugs, the fabricated stories of getting laid).  We consider this malicious intent.

5. Given the malicious intent, Client hereby dissolves his contract with Subconscious as sole provider of dream material effective immediately.  From this point forward, all dream processing will be the sole responsibility of the testicles.  Any effort on the part of Subconscious to intervene or interfere in future dream processing will result in immediate retaliation against Subconscious, including but not limited to: erasing in memory the location of car keys, latent homosexual thought implants, and brain cell massacre via Sam Adams Winter Ale

6. Client will be seeking damages for physical and emotional distress, as well as exorbitant legal fees (Thanks, by the way).  In addition, Subconscious is expected to fully amend for all missed “cool dream” opportunities due to its negligence, be they wet or otherwise.

7. Finally, against our counsel, Client wishes to add the following direct statement: “Knock it the fuck off already, asshat!”

Sincerely,

Oliver Ben, Esq.