Among my plethora of enviable attributes such as possessing a vast vocabulary, unabashed humility and perfectly symmetrical piggies, I am also a political mastermind. I offer up this post as proof.
Having demonstrated my enigmatic gift for political predictions and, you may have noticed, a nauseating and irrepressible dependence on alliteration, you had better park your ass and perk your ears in preparation for my next pronouncement. (Puking yet?)
A plague has fallen upon our great land. Like McCarthyism, crystal meth, and Crocs, this is an epidemic that spreads without prejudice to race, gender, or political or sexual leanings. Half-black or half-white, transsexual or transvestite, centrist or moderate, pitcher or catcher, you are at risk. Chances are one of your close relatives has already been contaminated, and to ignore the warning signs would be to risk having them enter your cozy home and spew their impurities out onto your festive Thanksgiving table, exposing everyone.
The fact is, someone you love is lousy with stupidity. I don’t mean they are bad with stupidity, like Tom Cruise’s character in Rain Man. I mean they are teeming with it. Full of it. Bringing their idiotic “A” game. Getting their stupid on.
It’s not that these folks are inherently moronic. It’s simply that while attempting to find comfort in conformity, they’ve been unwittingly spoon-fed fear and bullshit to the point where there is no room left in their heads for facts or truth, leaving only the reflexive ability to regurgitate what they have ingested. I am, of course, talking about political punditry.
If you are saying, “But Mr. Commando, the election is over and it is time to forget politics and get back to the business of voting for our favorite dancing pseudo-celebrity. Our heads hurt and we just want to play Christmas carols and eat yummy pie from the pan with our filthy, fat fingers,” then it is too late. You are already one of the walking brain-dead. All I ask is that you please email this to your next of kin along with your next forward from the NRA, Move-On.org, or the Nigerian Royal Family.
As for the rest of you, there is still hope. A team of fearless medical researchers has descended into the asinine jungle and, risking life and lobe, identified the sources of this outbreak. To be avoided at all costs, the original AIDS monkeys of the idiot plague are Keith Olbermann, Sean Hannity, Air America, Bill O’Reilly, much of MSNBC and most of Fox News. (Though it might seem remiss to not mention Rush Limbaugh, I consider listening to his show the same as bobbing for apples in a drum full of toxic waste and used syringes: if you didn’t intuitively know to avoid it, then your fork is already stuck knuckle-deep in the stupid toaster.) They are shameless, lying sacks of rotting dogshit who are cashing-in by willfully provoking the worst traits and tendencies in the weakest of us.
Of course there are no doubt others out there who are saying, “Thank you for saving us, Captain Obvious. Now Stephen Colbert can retire and you can move on to convincing the free world of the inherent dangers of sodomizing wild rhinos.” Like you, I, too, had thought this was all universally apparent until a recent pre-election gathering of family and friends. I was stunned to hear some of the ridiculous if not slightly deranged comments coming from the mouths of people with whom I share genes, needles, and the occasional embarrassing sexual experiment.
“Obama is a Muslim.”
“McCain’s a mental patient.”
“Democrats will create a communist state.”
“Republicans are total fuckheads.”
The fundamental problem is that we’ve created a culture where everyone thinks their opinion is suppose to matter regardless of the individual’s particular expertise, knowledge, or cursory familiarity with that particular subject. Compounding that problem is the fact that in lieu of doing any research or entertaining any information that might challenge one’s opinions, many people are simply tuning in to mediums that only reinforce what they already believe. And in an era of unprecedented informational outlets, you can always find someone who will agree with your belief that the perpetrators of 9/11 were actually hired by Scientologists to attempt to kill Oswald’s accomplice, a man who worked under an alias in the twin towers and had recently unearthed indisputable evidence of L. Ron Hubbard’s role in the faked Apollo moon landings.
If we are going to avoid becoming a nation of fanatical morons screaming fabricated gibberish at each other, it is time to elevate the level of discourse.
Don't you agree, or are you just stupid?!