Throwing Poo

What’s in a name?  In your case, probably nothing more than a dog-eared page from a baby names book, an overtly pompous literary reference from a novel that neither of your parents ever honestly read, or their desperate attempt to get your rich great aunt to leave them in her will.  In my case, it is much, much more.  For example, many of you probably do not know that in addition to referring to my underwear preference, Commando is an official international title dubbed upon me by Fidel Castro for successfully drug mule-ing a pre-release copy of Grand Theft Auto IV into Cuba for his grandson’s birthday. 

As an official state executive, I have certain constitutional powers, including the authority to organize a militia of kamikaze squirrels to defend against the scourge of speeding traffic on my street; demand a human taster to sample my food for poison in any participating Applebee’s location; disregard the posted signs and freely avail myself to any merchant’s toilet without needing to make a purchase; immutable diplomatic immunity for crimes committed by other people; and the power to grant official state pardons.

It is this last power which I am currently considering bestowing upon the following individuals and organizations: 

1.  Nerdy Squirrel, Esq. for farting in front of my family during my brother’s birthday party and forcing me to do the gentlemanly thing and take the blame, in effect laying my jacket over her stinky puddle and allowing her to walk across unscathed. 

On a larger note, I fear men and women will never be truly equal until women finally begin taking responsibility for their flatulence.

2.  The entitled douche bag of a woman at the YMCA who, as I was mounting the last available elliptical machine, came up behind me and said, “I was gonna use it!”  Usually this would not be a forgivable offense, but my reply, “You are using it, or you were gonna use it? Because there isn’t a machine is this place that someone isn’t gonna use.” made her slink off.

3.  My mother-in-law, Shakes-A-Can-Of-Pennies, for committing the social equivalent of taking a bath with a plugged-in radio balanced on the ledge: during Thanksgiving dinner she asked my sister-in-law’s brother’s girlfriend when she is due, when, in fact, she isn’t. 

4. Taco Bell for introducing their new menu item the “Volcano Taco.”  I’m sure the suits at TB were attempting to make it sound hot, spicy, and EXTREME, but when I hear the word “volcano” in the same sentence as “Taco Bell,” the only image that comes to mind is “eruption.”  

By the way, how much gastrointestinal distress can one company inflict before some stands up (but not too fast) and takes notice?  With the ‘Volcano Taco” these bastards are simply getting a little too gleeful about it.  What’s next, a combo meal with a mudslide milkshake with EXTREME squirts of Hersey and a side of trouser chili?

Still, the “Volcano Taco” is only $1.59, cheaper than a burger and, more importantly, cheaper than Ex-Lax.  So for that they get a pardon.

5.  The Terrorists.  While they can't win, after reading this article, it turns out that they may have been right about us all along.