Throwing Poo

After nearly ten years, the most enduring relationship of my life is suddenly coming to an end.  Despite having poured my heart and soul into it and sacrificing my best years, it has become increasing evident that there is no fixing what has gone wrong, no undoing what has been done.  Some cuts simply run too deep.

Facing an inevitable separation after a long relationship can be tricky as well as painful.  On one hand, you may walk away over-confident, forgetting that your self-assurance was as much a by-product of being accepted by someone else as it was your own actualization.  Suddenly being confronted by a typical problem unexpectedly topples you over without the reflexive and often imperceptible support that provided so much buoyancy.

On the other hand, there is the risk of being wrought with self-doubt.  Instead of building your new life, you begin to rubbish through the pile of bricks of your old one, over-analyzing every block and joint for signs of weaknesses and defect.  Questions like, “Did I try hard enough?” and “Wasn’t I good enough?” slide into your conscious like stealthy splinters that soon get infected and surreptitiously overwhelm your defenses.

Complicating matters is the looming fact that you must once again put yourself out there and be subjected to an ongoing series of one-on-one “let’s-get-to-know-each-other” tap-dances where you show just enough of yourself to seem real, but not so much as to risk rejection. 

For me, all that’s left now is the official act of giving my boss my letter of resignation.  I just hope that in dulling my pain, I don’t get too drunk one night and call her and ask for a temporary consulting gig - the “booty call” of the professional world.