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December 14, 2007

Major League Baseball Announces New Anti-Steroid Program

Hot on the heels of the Mitchell Report which implicated an unprecedented number of Major League Baseball players – including Cy Young Award winners, league MVPs and several top ten home run hitters – in illegal steroid use, MLB has announced a new awareness program to combat the seeming epidemic and re-polish its tarnished image. 

The campaign, titled “Avoid The Roid” was unveiled this morning by MLB Commissioner Bud Selig just outside his favorite Venice Beach hangout.  As part of the campaign, a mascot called “The Roid” will be used in all publicity materials.

“We want to make it clear to fans that Major League Baseball neither encourages nor condones steroid use.  Especially our younger fans.  We want them to know that you can get buff and smack a lot of home runs (and maybe a few mouthy broads…just kidding!) the all-natural way.” 

Selig then tore away his suit in a single, swift motion and posed for the cameras. 

 

 

“Take me for example, this is not from steroids, it’s from spending hours and hours in the gym and ingesting lots of legal supplements,” Selig flexed.  “Are you feeling me, people?  Seriously, feel my bicep.  I could crush your head like a soggy walnut with these guns.” 

Despite Selig’s enthusiasm, the MLB campaign appeared both rushed and derivative. 

When asked about the campaign’s unmistakable likeness to the 1980’s Pizza Hut campaign, “Avoid The Noid”, right down to the “N” emblem on the mascot’s costume, Selig suddenly became highly agitated.

“Well, stupid, the ‘N’ stands for ‘No Roids.’  If it were an ‘R,’ then we would be promoting steroid use, wouldn’t we?!  But we’re not.  We’re against it!  You got a problem with that, pansy?!”

Undaunted, one reporter suggested that the campaign was a blatant and hasty rip-off, offered only as a knee-jerk reaction to the negative publicity.

“That’s bullshit!” Selig yelled.  “This is a well-crafted and highly effective campaign to help stop steroid use!  And if you want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem, then you will help push this campaign!”

Selig then stepped away from the podium and began flexing while screaming red-faced, “Push it!  Push!!!”

Selig was asked a final question about any other campaigns MLB had considered.  It seemed to catch him off-guard and he appeared befuddled before stumbling out a few examples, including: Where’s The Beef Now That You Are Steroid-Free?;   Please Don’t Squeeze The Steroids Into Your Body;  Just Do It, Unless We’re Talking About Performance Enhancing Drugs (Or Betting On Baseball For That Matter); and The Best Part of Waking Up Is Not Having Shrunken Testicles In Your (athletic) Cup

In related news, Preparation H has filed a cease and desist warrant in federal court against Major League Baseball, claiming the league is infringing on its newly planned advertising campaign of the same name.


 

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 10:08 AM | | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

April 05, 2007

Juice

They live among us; soulless creatures of craving.  Transformed from mortal man, they are a new brood of high-tech ghoul.  Daywalkers.  And their hunger for sustenance is relentless. 

How long they have been here is unknowable; their human form is flawless.  Except for the eyes.  Look closely and you will see the fiendish thirst in the blacks of their eyes. 

To be told true, I am not a believer in such things.  Not until one late evening at LAX.  

In a quiet corner, under the flicker of fluorescent light and awash in the stale smell of the popcorn and perspiration, I was suddenly awakened to their presence.  First one, then two, then ten.  They were everywhere, fangs outstretched, protruding from their bodies in the form of two-pronged plugs, black veins connecting their sources of purpose and power.

Stunned by the realization, I could only watch as the frenzied hunt for the source of their lifeblood unfolded.  Two fiends across the aisle clashed over an outlet while another stabbed a socket and then slumped in ecstasy as it sucked and sucked.  The euphoria of predator meeting prey was unmistakable. 

It was a new species.  One part human, another part laptop, iPod, cell phone and Blackberry.  It was all connected. 

At that moment, I looked down and noticed the outlet below my feet.  Two cords snaked across the floor and into my carry-on bag. 

Had I chosen this seat on purpose?  Suddenly, a sense of clarity warmed me like a fully- charged battery and I knew what I was.  When or how it happened is unclear.  It doesn't matter.

For I know the thirst and partake of the feast.

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 11:16 AM | | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

November 28, 2006

Christmas Carols for Paranoid Schizophrenics: Part I

Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
(Sung to the tune of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)

You'd better watch out
Find someplace to hide
I know that he's watchin' and I'm terrified
Santa Claus is coming to get me

He's got a long list
Of those who aren't nice
He's gonna make us pay a terrible price
Santa Claus is coming to get me

He sneeks in when I'm sleeping
Planting bugs so when I wake
He can see and hear everything I do
So I gotta stay cool for goodness sake
gotta be ready to make my break

You'd better watch out
The government knows
Santa and his deer are on the payroll
Santa Claus is coming to get me

Coming soon:

Frosty the Hit Man and Decked in the Balls

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 09:58 PM | | Comments (2)

September 27, 2006

News To Me: Beelzebubba

In an interview yesterday, Fox News reporter Chris Wallace accused former president Bill Clinton of failing to prevent terrorism. A partial transcript of the interview follows:

Wallace:  Did you do enough to prevent terrorism?

Clinton:  It was a threat I took very seriously, but ultimately I failed. 

Wallace: Should you have killed Osama Bin Laden when you had the chance?

Clinton:  If you'll remember, when I tried to strike at Al-Qaeda training camps in Afghanistan during my second-term, Fox News and the conservatives said there was no threat and accused me of trying to distract the public from my personal life. 

Wallace: No sir.  What I meant was don't you think you should have killed him that time when he was in the Oval Office giving you a blowjob while you performed partial-birth abortions during a Satanic ritual?

Clinton: Wha...What the fuck are you talking about?

Wallace: We have his soiled robes, sir.

Clinton:  You've lost you mind! 

Wallace:  What were the cigars and Altoids used for, sir?

Clinton rips off his mic and storms out.

Wallace: (Faces camera) There you have it.  Former president Bill Clinton admits to conspiring with Saddam Hussein to blow up the World Trade Center, destroying the levees in New Orleans, spreading AIDs and selling healthy white babies into sexual slavery.  Back to you, Bill.

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 11:41 AM | | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

September 11, 2006

Classic Jokes Revisited: Part 1

A man walks into a bar with Emeril Lagasse on a leash and announces that Emeril can actually talk.  The surly bartender laughs and the scattered patrons snicker and mumble before going back to their drinks. 

"I'll bet anyone a hundred dollars that Emeril can talk," the man insisted.

The bartender sets down the glass he was wiping and walks over.

"I'll take that bet. Let's see the money."

The man slaps a $100 dollar bill on the bar. 

"OK, asshole," said the bartender, "Let's hear him talk,"

The man turns to Emeril and tugs on his leash to get his full attention.

"Who was Barney and Betty Rubble's son?" the man asked Emeril.

"BAM!" Emeril barked.

"Right," the man said, "their son was Bam Bam. Next question: Who did Tommy Lee marry?"

"BAM!"

"Good!" the man said excitedly.  "Pam Anderson, that's right.  OK, last question: Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"BAM!" Emeril barked for a third time.

"Yes!" the man yelled.  "Bam.  The Bambino. Babe Ruth. I win!"

As the man reaches for the money, the bartender slams his hand down on it.

"No way, asshole," the bartender growled, "You're not gonna come in here and con me.  Joey, show this guy the door."

A large man slides up, grabs the man and Emeril and throws them out the front door onto the sidewalk.  As they pick themselves up off the ground and brush off, Emeril looks at the man and shrugs.

"Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?" and throws hot pepper in his face.

 

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 10:08 AM |

September 06, 2006

News To Me: Dirty Talk

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I always thought your letters were fake, until it happened to me.

Last month my wife and I were having dinner at the TGI Friday's - which was lovely - when I felt nature call.   As I headed off to the little boy's room, I felt a presence behind me.  I turned and standing there staring at me was our attractive, 19 year-old waitress.  As a Senator, I am often recognized in public and have grown accustomed to having people approach me.  But this was different.

The waitress - let's call her Mandy - stepped in close to me and whispered into my ear.

"Aren't you Rick Santorum?" she asked in a husky voice that registered a level of knowledge beyond her years.

'Yes, I'm Senator Santorum," I replied, feeling the familiar tingle in my pants that occurred whenever I said the words aloud.

"I just wanted to tell you that, when I was 16, my drunken uncle got me pregnant," Mandy whispered, her lips brushing against my ear.

This could be trouble, I thought to myself.  As I leaned back to try to get a read on Mandy, I noticed that one of her pieces of flare was a button that said "I (heart) Jesus."  My own heart began racing and I knew this was going to be my lucky day.

Mandy then told me the story of how she had heard me speak and, as a result, decided to have the baby instead of becoming a murderer.  She was subsequently kicked out of her home, ostracized by her friends and eventually dropped out of school and began waiting tables to try to make ends me.  Before long, Mandy realized she couldn't work and take care of her child - paying for childcare was out of the question - so she decided to give the baby up for adoption.  Now, three years later, her child was gone and she was hoping to get promoted to shift manager and, if things go right, maybe begin taking classes to get her GED.

"Still," Mandy ended, "it is better than being a murderer.  Thank you for your wise words."

I have to tell you, my cock has never been harder.  After thanking Mandy for her story, I rushed back to the table, threw down some money, grabbed my wife and raced home.  Pulling her in through the house, I burst into the bedroom and tossed her onto her twin bed.  Giving a quick, knowing wink, I slipped into the master bathroom just off to the side and faced myself in the mirror. Slowly, I released my throbbing erection from my pants, opened the vanity drawer and began rhythmically slamming my cock in it. 

After beating the devil out of myself, I breathlessly staggered back into the bedroom and collapsed on the twin bed on my side of the room.  Before falling asleep, though, my wife and I talked about how nice it would be to have sex, if only we were prepared to have another child.

Many of your readers might think this story is made up, but I assure you that it is completely true.

Sincerely,

Rick Santorum, U.S. Senator

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 11:43 PM | | Comments (4)

July 26, 2006

News To Me: Giving The Finger

In its endless quest to publicly torture citizens, New York Department of Transportation recently revealed that it had deactivated the vast majority of pedestrian 'WALK" "DON'T WALK" buttons in New York City over 30 years ago while leaving the instructions to use the buttons in tact. 

When asked why the instructions were never removed, one DOT official simply stated that making people stand and wait is what the department does best.

"No one can argue that the DOT is the one government agency that excels at making people wait," said the official.  "We do it better and longer than any other department, especially those pussies over at Health and Human Services." The official pointed into the camera, "I'm talking to you, Doug!"

Though originally designed to alert the traffic signal that pedestrians were waiting, the traffic light system was systematically integrated into a citywide computer system that coordinates the flow of traffic in the 1980's.  As a result of this coordination, today it is hard to imagine a time when traffic tie-ups and honking horns engulfed the city's streets.

While deactivating the buttons is not inherently problematic, the remaining instructions have advised people to continue using the impotent mechanisms for over 30 years.  Reactions from pedestrians varied.

"I knew it! I'm so stupid!" one man said, punching himself in the head and walking away.  "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" 

The DOT official insisted that the buttons still served some public purposes, including metatarsal exercise and the effective distribution of human fecal matter.  Asked if the Department of Infectious Disease Control approved of this use, the official leaned in and whispered "Don't even mention IDC around here, man.  I mean, are they kidding with that 'annual flu shot' business? Those fuckers are sick." 

The questions remains, however, why doesn't DOT simply remove the instructions? According to one DOT official, "Because it would cost, oh, I don't know, probably like a million dollars. Do YOU have a million dollars?!"

Lenny, a homeless veteran on the corner of 3rd and Main, gave us his take on the story. "It is symbolic of our current system of democracy.  The government merely provides the illusion of actual participation, whether it be pushing a pedestrian button, dialing 911 or voting for president." After insisting on a dollar for his comment, Lenny turned, dropped his pants and began tongue-kissing a lamppost. 

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 08:54 AM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

July 17, 2006

News To Me: Recipe For Disaster

George W. Bush's Recipe for Disaster

Two cups sibling rivalry
A tablespoon of shriveled penis
A pinch of knowledge (no more than a pinch)
Equal parts of self-doubt and self-importance
Ten lbs. of Southern Baptist bullshit
 
Mix vigorously with a silver spoon
 
Quickly pour mixture into a dark, covered pan (Make sure to limit exposure to external light).
 
Place in an oven until the Apocalypse.
 
Serve warm.

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 04:46 PM |

June 21, 2006

News To Me: Master Celibate - Part 3

Shore Excursions on Pat Robertson's Celibate Cruise Lines Inaugural Alaskan Cruise on the Trinity

PORT OF CALL:  Glacier Bay
 
Bay Area Walking Tour
Approximate Duration: 2.5 Hours
Physical Exertion: Mild to Medium
Experience the beauty of God's 10,000 year-old creation on this guided walking tour of Glacier Bay.  Purchase a Red Sea Walking Staff at the gift shop and use the blunt end to "catch" a souvenir fur pelt at Baby Seal Cove.  Enjoy a complimentary glass of our Sacramental Punch on the way back to the ship.
 
Glacier Adventure Hike
Approximate Duration: 3.0 Hours
Physical Exertion: Medium
Tired of long, cold winters?  On this adventure hike through the icy glaciers, you'll have the opportunity to reduce the winter season by personally melting a small portion of Celibate Cruise Lines own private glacier.  Propane torches will be provided.  Complimentary Sacramental Punch.
 
Humvee Adventure/National Park
Approximate Duration: 4.0 Hours
Physical Exertion:  Medium to Strenuous
Take your pick of Humvees and prepare to caravan across the snowy roads of Alaska.  A guide Humvee leads the way as you experience a snowy exodus to the Artic National Wildlife Reserve.  Upon arrival, your group will select a site, assemble the portable oil rig and refinery and drill for Texas Tea.   Let the hand of God lead you to the perfect site, as your ability to return will depend on the successful processing of fuel from your artic "wildcatting."
 
Godless Liberal Activist Sightseeing
Approximate Duration: 2.0 Hours
Physical Exertion:  Mild
Tour buses take your group on a scenic drive to the rocky shores of a nearby shipping lane.  Upon arriving, your tour guide will direct you to a camouflage hide.  Quietly prepare your cameras as the guide catches some local wildlife and drenches them with crude oil.  Before long, the smell of patchouli gathers in the wind as long-haired, greasy activists arrive to "clean up" the wildlife.   Warning: Snap your pictures from a distance as activists can be unpredictable.  Complimentary Sacramental Punch(r) on the ride home.
 
March of the Penguins Bus Tour
Approximate Duration: 1.5 Hours
Physical Exertion:  Mild
A chartered bus will take your group on a drive along the shore to search for penguins, also known as Alaska's Panda.  Viewing these unique and entertaining local creatures up close will surely remove any doubt as to the existence of an intelligent designer even in the most skeptical onlooker.  Stop in the gift shop and browse for unique souvenirs such as stuffed penguins, penguin skin gloves and belts, and tuxedo t-shirts.  NOTE: Given the unexplainable drop in the local penguin population and the general unpredictability of Alaskan wildlife, we cannot guarantee that penguins will be seen.
 
Glass Boat Tour
Approximate Duration: 2.5 Hours
Physical Exertion:  Mild
Experience the wonders of the undersea world without getting wet in the Patriarch, a heated glass-bottom boat.  Take in beautiful views of the coast as your sail to a local reef teaming with local sea life.  Arriving at the reef, your crew will open the viewing glass and describe the sights.  NOTE: Women who have forsaken the welfare of their families in return for a career should wear protective headgear, as the Patriarch is also outfitted with a glass ceiling.  
 

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 12:25 PM | | Comments (1)

June 20, 2006

News To Me: Master Celibate - Part 2

Excerpts from the Daily Planner on Pat Robertson's Celibate Cruise Lines Inaugural Alaskan Cruise on the Trinity
 
"Cel-i-bate, Good Times, Come On!"
 
TODAY'S PORT: At Sea
Enjoy a day of heavenly views and divine cuisine as we cruise through the single most important accomplishment of the Lincoln administration. 
 
DAILY DRINK SPECIAL: Bottomless Cup of the Blood of Christ
 
ACTIVITIES: DAY 3
9:00AM - The Manger - Deck 7
Little Angel Programs for Kids begin.  Today's activities include:
Is Mommy a Commie? - McCarthyism Made Fun   
Gibberish or Speaking in Tongues - A Guessing Game
WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive - Draw the perfect car for our Lord and Savior and win a prize.  No foreign cars will be accepted.
Ex-Box - Learn about the inherent evil of video games and fun alternatives. Please note that the prize for WWJD will not be awarded until after the Ex-Box session, so no leaving.
 
10:00AM - Poolside
The Reckoning
Have a blast passing judgment on your fellow passengers, but be careful, they might just pass judgment on you!  Malachi, your Activities Director, hosts this exclusive activity.  Bring sunscreen as the fun will last all afternoon.
 
2:00PM - C.S. Lewis Theater - Deck 4
Jackpot Bingo
Enjoy what the Catholics have been getting away with for years!  You might even win a few dollars that you can then donate back to the on-board chapel.
 
4:00PM - Sports Deck
American Trivia
Join Malachi to learn if you're really as patriotic as you think you are.  (Come prepared as the results will be forwarded to the National Security Agency.)
 
4:00PM - Last Supper Buffet - Deck 11
Last Supper Buffet Opens
Enjoy an early, pre-dinner meal or simply snack on some exclusive, homemade Vanilla Christ Cream or St. Peter's Saltpeter Taffy, a perfect treat for the teenagers.
 
5:00PM - Meeting Room B - Deck 8
Friends of Bill W.
 
6:00PM - Manna From Heaven Dining Hall - Deck 4
Captain's Dinner
Break bread with the captain of your ship (the real captain, not the almighty, allegorical one who will be present in spirit only).  Dress is formal.
 
8:00PM - C.S. Lewis Theater - Deck 4
"In Spite of Themselves"
Enjoy the Trinity Song & Dance Troupe's renditions of our favorite wholesome show tunes.  Don't worry, though, the Troupe is exclusively female, eliminating the risk of exposing your family to the mainstream homosexual agenda.
 
10:00PM - Last Supper Buffet - Deck 11
The "Midnight" Buffet
If obesity is truly a sin, God wouldn't have created chocolate!  Feast on a variety of divine treats.  The buffet begins promptly at 10:00PM, so you can arrive safely back in your cabin long before the witching hour.  Meet Sandy from the Trinity Song and Dance Troupe who will also lead us in grace.
 
11:00 - All Decks
Lights Out
After a long day of activities, every passenger will need to rest up for a new day.  Trinity's Sentry Force will be enforcing curfew, so no straggling!
 

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 09:30 AM |

June 19, 2006

News To Me: Master Celibate

This week we are featuring an in-depth look at a new Christian cruise line.
 
In his continuing quest to become the Rupert Murdoch of the bible-thumping industry, Pat Robertson has recently announced the launching of his new cruise line, Celibate Cruises. According to the press release, the line will offer, "family-friendly cruises for traditional, God-fearing Americans."
 
Given Robertson's success in television and consumer products for the religious right, the company is extending their concept to the multi-billion dollar vacation industry.   In the press release sent out by the company, Celibate is clearly sending a warning shot across the bow of Disney Cruise Lines.
 
"With Celibate, we want to give Christian families a cruise vacation alternative that doesn't involve alcohol, gambling or idolatry," said company spokesperson Douglas Carpenter, alluding to the fact that most popular cruise lines earn profits by aggressively promoting alcohol sales and on-ship casino gaming. But idolatry?
 
"Mickey Mouse is a false idol," Carpenter explained.  "Kids basically worship him with the wearing of fake ears, t-shirts and those ridiculously overpriced autograph books.  The talking heads over at Disney try to downplay it by saying that Mickey Mouse is a brand.  Well, to them I say 'Jesus is the only brand I need.'"
 
Carpenter continued, "You know, it isn't even the real Mickey Mouse's autograph you're getting in your signature book?  It's an actor pretending to be Mickey Mouse."  Carpenter turned away slightly and lowered his gaze, "A lousy actor." 
 
This week, Celibate Cruise Lines will be debuting a multi-media marketing campaign to promote itself.  The campaign is centered on the tagline, "Celibate, Good Times, Come On!" a take on the 80's hit song by Kool and the Gang. 
 
Passengers on the Celibate ships will enjoy most of the amenities of a traditional cruise.  However, instead of just promoting fun, Celibate's activities will be focused on teaching Christian values.  Carpenter explained, "For example, one day of the cruise is called 'Missionary To The Third World' and is intended to give our guests a look into the lives of those less fortunate - our staff.  That day, every passenger spends 24 hours cleaning rooms, polishing brass, cooking meals and scraping paint.  It's the kind of values-driven, eye-opening experience that you won't find on a Disney cruise," Carpenter emphasized.
 
Asked if the company would screen potential passengers to make sure their ideals don't contradict Celibate's, Carpenter laughed, "We're people of God, so everyone is welcome. We are not going to pre-judge anything other than their credit card limit."
 
Before the interview ended, Carpenter took one final shot at Disney. 
 
"Our inspiration rose from the dead and sits on the right hand of the Father.  Their inspiration is cryogenically frozen in a brewing vat somewhere in southern California," he smiled. "Knowing that, do you really want to spend your vacation dollars with a creepy cult driven by greed?"
 
We have to assume he meant Disney.

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 08:20 AM | | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

June 13, 2006

News To Me: Bad Hobbit

In an effort to keep awkward children from ever assimilating into the social structure of their local schools, the Discovery Museum in Sausalito, Calif., is sponsoring a summer camp based on the J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit" and "Lord of the Rings."
 
The camp is designed for 5 - 12 year olds and will stage a production of the "The Hobbit" after two weeks of casting, rehearsal, costume design and skirting child labor laws. 
 
Camp spokesperson Mel Ochoa explained, "Kids are in love with 'Lord of the Rings,' so we developed a camp that speaks to our audience."  Ochoa continued, "This stuff is like cocaine for kids.  They're already addicted, we're just teaching them how to free-base."  
 
The Discovery Museum is hoping the movie-audience formula works this time after their first disappointing effort "Dude, Where's My Camp?"  
 
According to Ochoa, the biggest challenge for campers is trying to figure out the pecking order.  "During the first few days, all these kids are just standing around the lunchroom waiting to get pantsed or their lunch money stolen. When it doesn't happen, they get confused.  Some of them actually get physically ill." Ochoa thought for a moment, "It's probably the first time they've ever actually gotten to eat solid food in a lunchroom."
 
Approaching the camp entrance, a security booth stops cars and checks identification.  "You wouldn't believe how many hippy freaks we get trying to sneak in here," said Willy, a retired policeman who works the day shift.   He points to a wall in his hut that is decorated with fake IDs of grungy, overweight men wearing X-files T-shirts claiming to be 12 years old. 
 
"They lumber up here wearing their stupid elf ears and hairy rubber feet talking gibberish, " he continued.  After telling them to beat it, Willy says the gatecrashers "...usually try a Jedi mind trick or shooting me with a toy phaser, but I just flinch and they turn tail and run."  He stared off, "I wish those faggots in the front office hadn't taken my goddamn piece away."

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 08:10 AM | | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

May 31, 2006

News To Me: Owners of WWJD Trademark Attempt to Extend Brand with New Cross-Promotional Ads

WWJD Cross-Promotional Campaign Proposal #1
30 Second Television Spot

MUSIC: Harps softly playing Handel's "Messiah"
 
FADE  IN:  Camera shot rises out of a heavy fog and stops at a clearing where the pearly gates of heaven are directly centered.  A figure in a white robe materializes from behind the gate and walks toward the camera.
 
CUT TO: The top of the gate opens and closes.
 
CUT TO: The robed figure is facing the gates with his back to the camera. 
 
CUT TO:  Close-up of sandaled feet, each with distinct hole.  Camera pans up to the back of his head.  As the head slowly turns to face the camera, we see the young but weathered face of a bearded man in his mid-thirties. 
 
VOICE OVER: "When you're the Son of God and you've got three days to cross the infinite celestial plane in order to save mankind from their sins..."
 
CUT TO: View of earth from above.
 
CUT TO: Close-up of Jesus' eyes staring at earth with a warm yet pensive look.
 
VOICE OVER: "...you don't wait for the bus."  
 
CUT TO:  Close-up of a fisted hand with a hole.  Slowly the fist opens and a key chain with the Hummer logo drops down.  An ignition key is pinned between the forefinger and thumb.
 
CUT TO:  Jesus breaks into a smile, turns to his left and walks off.
 
SOUND EFFECT:  The beep of a Hummer security alarm being deactivated.
 
DISSOLVE TO:  Black background with white text:  WWJD
 
VOICE OVER:  "What Would Jesus Drive?"
 
MUSIC:  "Taking Care of Business" by Bachman Turner Overdrive, up then under
 
DISSOLVE TO:  Black background with white text:  HUMMER
 
VOICE OVER:  "Hummer. Definitely."

WWJD Cross-Promotional Campaign Proposal #2
60 Second Television Spot

MUSIC: "Jump Around" by House of Pain
 
FADE IN: Group of young inner city youth playing basketball on an outdoor, public court. Graffiti covers the walls and the court is in disrepair. 
 
CUT TO:  A lone white man is playing.  Bearded and in his mid-thirties, he is bringing the ball up the court in nothing but a loincloth.  He hold ups two fingers and he dribbles and scans the court.  A defender wearing a shirt steps up to meet him.
 
DEFENDER 1:  "Come on!  Let's D up against these chumps!"
 
JESUS:  "The spirit indeed is willing, but the skill is weak."
 
DEFENDER #1:  "Bring it, Tarzan.  I'm gonna take the rock and leave you standing there in your diaper."
 
JESUS:  "Forgive them, Father, for they know not how to guard me."
 
CUT TO:  Shot from behind the basket.  Jesus fakes left, cross-over dribbles and drives right.   He spins around a second defender and leaps into a third, knocking the defender to the ground as he slam dunks the basketball and hangs on the rim.
 
JESUS: (Looking down at the defender on the ground and pointing) "Verily, that is what I am saying unto thee!"
 
CUT TO:  The skins team is running back down the court as DEFENDER #3 pulls himself off the ground.
 
DEFENDER #3:  "Foul!"
 
CUT TO:  Close-up on the back of Jesus' head.  He stops and slowly turns with a look of contempt on his face.
 
JESUS:  "He that is without sin among you, cast the first foul."
 
CUT TO: Jesus sitting on a bench on the side of the court, toweling off his head.  A defender from the game walks past and hands him a Gatorade.
 
DEFENDER #1:  "Nice game, man."
 
CUT TO: Close-up of Jesus' head turned to the side, gulping downing the Gatorade.  He sets down the empty bottle and wipes his mouth with his forearm. 
 
DISSOLVE TO:  Black background with white text:  WWJD
 
NARRATOR:  "What Would Jesus Drink?"
 
CUT TO:  Jesus on the bench next to the empty Gatorade bottle. He quickly glances around and then taps the empty bottle.  It instantaneously becomes full again.
 
DISSOLVE TO:  White background with green text:  GATORADE
 
MUSIC: "Play That Funky Music" by Wild Cherry

 

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 08:10 AM |

May 19, 2006

News To Me: Fair and Unbalanced

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then the Fox Network is an apple-polishing little bitch. Taking cues from the wildly successful - if not gratuitous - NBC Dateline segment "Predator," Fox is upping the ante with its own new show dedicated to intergalactic pedophilia.  It is daringly titled "Predator, Too."

In Dateline's recurring "Predator" segment, the show's producers infiltrate Internet chat rooms posing as promiscuous teenagers (as opposed to the other kind of teenagers) and fish for U.S. Congressmen, clergy, or any other fat, balding, middle-aged white men who have the ability to burst into rivers of sweat on camera.   The producers arrange meetings with the unsuspecting sickos by promising kinky sex - everything from blow jobs, to rusty trombones, to donkey punches, to something else that I've never heard of before but sounded really funny but I forgot what it was called.  When the target predator arrives, a Dateline reporter confronts the probable-but-let's-just-go-ahead-and-publicly-convict-them-right-now pedophile, and the viewing fun begins.

Dateline has taken some criticism for its show's vigilante nature and entrapment tactics.  One producer defended the program.
 
"We are providing a public service and doing so without affecting our journalistic integrity," the producer said.  "It is no different that any other kind of objective, investigative reporting. Besides, you know these filthy perverts are guilty as hell." 

Asked about the trickery employed, the producer responded, "I don't think of it as lying. I mean, in the end, these guys are still getting fucked. Get it?"

Critics aside, the viewing audience has eaten up the show's segment, prompting the move by Fox to dedicate an entire show to the activity.  In order to differentiate its new show, Fox is focusing on an overlooked segment of the pedophile community.
 
"We wanted the pedophiles on our show to have a fighting chance," said Brian Nest, Executive Producer of "Predator, Too."  In order to accomplish this, the Fox show is targeting bloodthirsty, trophy-hunting aliens with its sting operations.
 
"Remember that show 'Cheaters' where the host would bust someone in the act of infidelity?" asked Nest.  "During one episode, the host actually got stabbed by some lunatic who was pissed off about being confronted on camera.  That's not only good television, it's also fair and balanced."  Nest hopes to reproduce that kind of atmosphere with "Predator, Too" every week.
 
Fox is betting heavily on the show.  Despite it's reality, the expenses are still extremely high.  Fox had to launch a satellite to broadcast its suggestions of illicit teenage sex into outer space as opposed to just setting up a MySpace account.  The health insurance costs have skyrocketed due to injuries.  Tubs of a special mud from South America also have to be air shipped in every week and smeared on the site crew in order to prevent infrared detection.
 
Although the new show has yet to be aired, Fox was willing to show us some clips from the upcoming episodes.
 
In one arranged meeting, a naive alien arrives without his hunting helmet. Pointing to the screen, Nest narrated.  "Look at this one.  He doesn't even have the common sense to use his standard issue, light-refracting invisibility device to hide his identity."
 
Nest laughed, "Now, watch this!" 
 
As the alien entered the house, a mud-covered reporter jumped out from behind a chair and stuck a microphone into the shocked alien's retracting jaws.   After a few stunned moments (including what the alien described as an "accidental misfiring" of his shoulder rocket which destroyed the kitchen), the alien began denying his intentions.
 
"I was just trying to collect a couple of adolescent skulls to use as bookends in my trophy case," it insisted. 
 
As the reporter persisted, the alien grew more and more alarmed.  "I never intended to have sex with them," the alien pleaded.  "For God's sake, look at my genitalia!  It's not physically possible!"
 
In another confrontation, a startled alien fell back onto a sharpened stick that pierced its midsection, causing a putrid, fluorescent green liquid to spew out onto the ottoman.  It then proceeded to tap its wristband control panel starting a devastating self-destruct sequence.
 
"We are hoping for more original responses than this one." Nest explained. "The Punji sticks in the living room were probably a mistake on our part, but every show has to work out the kinks." Looking back to the screen, he continued, "Maybe we'll use this segment for the season finale." 

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May 10, 2006

News To Me: Letter To President Bush from Kim Jong Il

The following letter was received yesterday at the White House from Kim Jong Il, leader of North Korea only days after a letter was received from Mahmood Ahmadinejad.  The original letter was written in Korean has been was translated here.

Mr. George Bush
President of the United States of America,
 
For some time now I have been wondering why you have been avoiding me.  Despite my best efforts to get your attention, you have continued to ignore me as if I don't exist.  Well, now I know why, you ASS!!!  I bet you thought you were really clever, you and your Iranian slut!
 
By now everyone has probably seen a copy of the letter from Mahmood to you. DON"T EVEN TRY TO DENY IT!  Here I was telling people that we had something serious going on between us, and you're go off chasing someone else.  Thanks for making me feel about feet two feet, six and a half inches tall!
 
Have you forgotten about the weekend we spent together in Japan?  I risked getting expelled in order to sneak away from the Summit to see you.  But did you care?  No!  All you wanted to do was get your hands on my secret parts.  Mr. Grabby, always interested in "your needs" and caring nothing for mine.  Always trying to get me to be in your perverted menage a trois of evil.  I should've have known you never be able to keep that TINY DICK OF YOURS in your pants.
 
Maybe if I had shown you everything like you wanted then you would still be interested in me.  But I'm not a whore like Moody.  I'm not going to flash my goods to anyone with a camera.  I won't do anything for attention.  I guess this is my reward for being modest. Thanks for the lesson.  NOT!!!
 
The most disappointing part of this is the fact that I had to hear about the whole affair from Wen Jiabao who heard it from Vladmir Putin who saw you with Moody behind the bleachers after the U.N. meeting.  Too bad you're not man enough to tell me yourself (maybe it's because you have a TINY DICK!). 
 
By the way, if you like facial hair so much, why don't you just admit you're gay?!  Maybe you can shave each other (and I don't mean the way we did that one night in Seoul, you pig!).  GREAT, NOW I'M CRYING!!!
 
You don't deserve my tears.  You're the one who made the biggest mistake of your life, even if you're too stupid to recognize it!  Yes, people think you're stupid and say so behind you're back all the time. Guess what? I won't be there to defend you anymore. 
 
You deserve each other (and I mean that in a bad way)! You have someone you can dirty talk to and Moody can act like the slutty bad girl that you apparently think you want.  By the way, she doesn't even know what BAD is and neither do you.  But I'll show you.  Just wait. 
 
Does Moody even know about your dirty talk thing?  If not, don't worry. I'll make sure EVERBODY knows about your filthy mouth as well as your TINY DICK!
 
No Longer Yours,
 
Kim
 
P.S. I want my Cure CD back!  Bring it with you when you come to get your stupid "Official Bush Inspector" hat before someone in my family sees it.
 
P.P.S. Please, please, please call me back.  I'll be waiting...

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May 04, 2006

News To Me: Bell Movement

Apparently Taco Bell executives are running from the border. A recently leaked internal memo shows that the corporate brass at ethnic fast-food restaurant chain Taco Bell(tm) are growing increasingly nervous over the inflammatory immigration debate that has been raging across the nation. 
 
The memo shows the company considering drastic changes in order to avoid any negative fallout from the issue.  In one such instance, the company is contemplating the elimination of the Spanish words and Spanish-sounding gibberish used to describe its menu items. 
 
While top executives refused to comment on the memo, one source within the company, who asked to remain anonymous due to fear of retaliation and a severe case of flatulence, was able to provide some insight.
 
He explained that the company was taking the anti-immigration movement quite seriously, but believed the company could successfully navigate any landmines.
 
"We're no strangers to inflammation," the source disclosed. "Our experience has shown us that it is more effective to try to reduce this type of public swelling with a soothing response rather than to irritate it with excessive finger pointing." 
 
While it is uncertain whether or not Taco Bell will adopt the changes recommended in this memo, its top executives remain silent but deadly serious about the threat.
 
On another note, one peculiar characteristic of the Taco Bell office headquarters was a total lack of visible clocks.  According to our source, this is because the company wants to promote initiative and a "get it done" mentality and to discourage clock-watching.  While this seems to pose certain practical difficulties, apparently Taco Bell employees are relatively unfazed.
 
Asked, for example, when he knew it was time to eat lunch, the source replied, "Simple. When my ass stops burning."

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April 25, 2006

News To Me: No Pain, No Gain

 

 

With the recent news that Duke lacrosse merchandise sales have quadrupled as a result of the sexual assault accusation, one college bookstore manager has decided to seize upon what appears to him as an opportunity.
 
Ron Kintera, manager of the Ohio Western University bookstore, has created a contest that he believes will help boost his school's sagging merchandise sales.  The contest, which has not been officially endorsed by the university's administration, will award $1,000 to any student who engages in shockingly inappropriate or illegal behavior and receives national press coverage as a result.
 
"What we're looking for is creativity," Kintera said.  "Duke's already done rape, so that's out.  We want students to think outside the box.  You know, freak out a little." 
 
Kintera's primary goal is too get free publicity for the bookstore.  "After that," he said, "if the student can parlay their infamy into a reality show role or something, then more power to them.  I'll only ask for the industry-standard 15% finder's fee."
 
To enter the contest, students must submit before/after photos or video of the activity.  Verbal accounts will also be considered, but only when accompanied by damning evidence.  In those cases, "We want to see the body," Kintera said.  "I don't want to be appearing on Oprah with our winning student only to find out on live TV that the victim's lash wounds or whatever were Photoshop'd." Kintera paused before continuing, "Remember what she did to that writer guy who lied on her show?  Christ, that was uncomfortable for everyone."
 
Kintera, a former district manager of a national fast food chain, took over duties at the bookstore earlier this year.  "Hamburger franchises are all paint by numbers," Kintera said. "I never had the chance to express my creativity the way I do here."
 
The contest, titled "Extreme Fear Factory," has created quite a bit of controversy on campus.  When asked about possible legal concerns, Kintera kind of missed the point, "Yeah, after inventing the initial contest name I began getting worried about lawsuits.  So I came up with adding the 'y' to 'factor,' which was really a stroke of genius."  He continued, "You know, I'd hate to see a great idea get derailed by some silly copyright issue."
 
Despite the incredibly obvious and disastrous consequences such a contest could produce, Kintera seemed oblivious.  When pressed on the question of what possible good could come from something like this, Kintera twinkled, "If rape can quadruple Duke's sales, imagine what, oh, I don't know, say, a little cannibalism would do for OWU (wink, wink)."

Asked whether or not he thought the Duke students were guilty of the heinous crime to which they have been accused, Kintera responded, "What?  Why would you ask...who cares?"  Kintera then sided up next to this reporter and tapped my note pad with his finger.  "What IS important is that they are indirectly responsible for my inspiration, and for that I, Ron Kintera, sincerely thank them."

Posted by Crunchy Blue Commando at 08:04 AM | | Comments (1)

April 18, 2006

News To Me: Bush List Found

Fifty-nine years into his life and well into his second term as President, George W. Bush is nearing the end of the “To Do” list that has served as both the summary and driving force of his ambitions.  A recently obtained copy of the list and countless subsequent interviews with White House staffers, politicos and Beltway insiders begins to paint a portrait of a calculating and methodical man who has built his life upon a specific blueprint instead of what most people have seen as a random series of unpredictable, reckless and just plain stupid decisions.

In the shape of a paper airplane with the words “ Mission Accomplished” written across the wings, the list was discovered by a reporter in the leaves of a rubber tree plant in a West Wing conference room.  A White House aide who refused to be identified said that the conference room often served as a place where the president bounced ideas as well as paper airplanes off his staff.   

A full-size photocopy of the list is available by clicking here.  Several scientific analysts were consulted and verified the handwriting and dried saliva stains as belonging to Bush.   The list appears to have been originally written in the 1970’s and then edited in subsequent years.

 

 

 

While many of the items seem self-explanatory, further investigation of each one begins to form a window, albeit a tinted one, into the heart of the 47th President. 

The first item (“1. Play guitar with Allman Brothers”) gives us the hint that the list was originally created before 1971, the year that Duane Allman died.  Subsequent entries demonstrate one of two things about the younger Bush: 1) the uncanny ability to admire musicians destined to die untimely deaths due to flying accidents, or 2) everything he touches turns to shit.  While this reporter cannot speculate which of the two possibilities is true, he can only wish that if it happened to be the second, the president had not lost hope and taken subsequent interests in the Georgia Satellites and Nickelback.

The second item (“2. Quit drinking”) shows the president as his former playboy self, possibly beginning to seriously consider the path his life was taking and want something more for himself.  This is later contradicted in item four (“4. Develop a partnership with Jesus”).  Despite the seemingly obvious connection to the President’s prominent Christian belief, former friends say that this item actually referred to Jesus Martinez, a Midland cocaine dealer who is currently serving a 20-year sentence in Texas State Prison. 

List item five (“5. Get dad’s job – the good one”) shows a George W. Bush growing in ambition.  We can only speculate that “the good one” is referring to the President of the United States and not the Director of the CIA. 

For all its cryptic insight, item six (“6. Own an IROC”) on the list has created the most controversy.   Taken literally, the young Bush is expressing his desire to own a Camero IROC-Z, a popular muscle car of the 1980’s (hence the “vroom, vroom!”).  However, there are no records of the President ever owning such a car and neither current nor former friends have any recollection of such a car.  So why would this item checked off with an exclamatory “Yeah, Baby!”?  

One surfacing theory is that over the past 30 plus years in which George W. Bush has been referring to this list, some items may have lost their original meaning.  Further, some items might have even been mis-read by Bush himself.  If that is possible, could it be that the “IROC” he wanted to own came to be interpreted by the 47th President as Iraq?  Given the nearly identical pronunciation, this reporter can only wonder.

 

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April 14, 2006

News To Me: Money Shot

Scientists announced today that they are one step closer to developing a male contraceptive.  The method comes (leave it) in the form of a reversible, immunocontraceptive injection of a protein that coats the sperm rendering it incapable of fertilizing an egg.  The injection does not, however, render the sperm incapable of staining your mother’s nice guest towels.   

In a study at the University of North Carolina, professor M.G. O’Rand tested the injection with nine monkeys.  Seven of nine animals developed an immune response, indicating the vaccine was working.  According to O’Rand, none of the monkeys fathered babies.  Asked how often the monkeys copulated with female monkeys, O’Rand replied, “What?  We don’t have fe…fe…female monkeys?  Wo…wo…wo…women make me ne..ne..nervous.” 

While it is yet to be proven effective with human males, the injection has been successful 78% of the time in trials with primates.  However, two of the seven monkeys remained infertile after the shots stopped and expressed their frustration by throwing poo at everyone who walked by their cages.  On the other hand, the successful monkeys actively celebrated the return of their fertility by throwing poo at everyone who walked by their cages.

Susan Benoff, former president of the Society for Male Reproduction and Urology - and somewhat surprising, not a boy named Sue – suggested that the greater challenge to male contraception could be psychological.  While men might take a pill, most of her male patients are not fond of injections.  Asked if she liked getting injected, Benoff glared. “I get quite enough of that kind of shit at the S.M.R.U., I don’t need to hear it from you, too.”   

“Obviously this is not a method for a gentleman who’s interested in a one night stand,” Benoff said.  Pausing for a moment, she looked around, “Not for the man interested in the one night stand?  What man isn’t interested…exactly who the hell is this for?!”

The other psychological aspect is whether or not women will be willing to trust men to take responsibility for preventing pregnancy.  “If you are the woman,” Benoff says, “you are the one who’s going to be pushing out the 8-pound bowling ball, so you have to trust him.”  Asked if that was a similar trick to the ping-pong ball one I saw in Tijuana last year, Benoff abruptly ended the interview.

 

 

 

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